How To Get Over Breakup: Your beloved asked you to leave? Do not despair. Firstly, there is still a chance to return the old feelings. Second, even when a breakup is inevitable, it can be a very rewarding experience for you and the first step to a better life. Psychologist Dean Delis talks about all this in his book Passion Paradox . And we publish some tips from it on how to recover if the relationship did break up.
The rejected partner has such a pervasive sense of loss that at first he feels the complete collapse of his life. Shock emotionally devastates a person, and he tries to fill the resulting vacuum.
Here are some harmful behaviors to look out for after a breakup.
– Shopping . By buying the most expensive things in huge quantities, we are trying to cope with the onset of depression. But any strategy taken to the extreme can hurt. The craving for new things will diminish, and then give way to despair when you have to pay a gigantic check.
– Seizing problems. Heroes who “seize” an emotional crisis have become firmly established in sitcoms. The feeling of fullness suppresses anxiety and negative impulses, gives a stable feeling of comfort. The harm from such “therapy” is obvious.
– Fasting. As long as the shock of the breakup lasts, the food may seem inconsequential or unappetizing. For some, however, refusing to eat becomes an element of punishing self-neglect, reflecting low self-esteem.
– Alcohol (or drugs). The appeal of alcohol is that it immediately relieves mental and emotional pain. In addition, this “method of self-medication” allows a person to punish himself for the fact that he, in his opinion, was a failure.
– Retribution. Sometimes a breakup in a romantic relationship activates a person’s latent tendencies towards aggression. The abandoned partner begins to spread rumors and harmful half-truths about the former lover, tries to discredit him at work, tortures him with unwanted visits and calls, turns children against him, and in some cases commits suicide.
For the first stage, the abandoned partner tends to focus exclusively on the beloved and their torment. The second stage begins when emotional energy begins to be spent more on organizing a new life than on trying to win a leader again, and simply to cope with mental suffering. This is a gradual process: a person learns to let go of the situation, fights for emotional independence. So what can and should be done to get over a breakup?
Seek harmony alone
Someone has a hard time finding time for themselves, but in most cases it is possible. Now is the time to take care of yourself, so try to be more private. Leave work early and take a walk by the lake, in the city park, in the garden. Nature is a great comforter.
If possible, spend the evening alone. Go to a symphony concert, go to the movies, read poetry, write something in your diary, or pay your heart out. Do not deny your sadness, do not try to escape from it and be distracted, at least at first. Take pity on yourself without being ashamed or making excuses. This is the fastest way to cope with loss and start rebuilding emotional strength.
Don’t think of what happened as a disaster
When you catch yourself thinking or uttering phrases like “I can no longer love”, “I hardly want to be close to someone else”, “I will never have a family,” an alarm bell should sound in your mind … Write this and similar phrases: on paper, they are easier to perceive objectively. Tell yourself that your thinking is now distorted.
Attack the “logic” that turns your fears into disaster. Remind yourself that like anyone else, you have had similar thoughts before. Have they been realized? Do you have friends who have not been able to survive the breakup with your partner? And what – they have not loved anyone since then and have not been happy? Before this unsuccessful romance, did you have a person whom you considered the only and desired?
If you do not lose your head, panic, irrational elements of crisis thinking will disappear. Remember: you have a really difficult situation, but you should not regard it as a cataclysm.
Your reaction is not a pathology. This is the normal result of an ancient biological reaction that has evolved to bind females and males for the survival of the species. The acute phase usually lasts about six weeks. After that, the emotional wound may remain open for several months or even longer. During this time, seek comfort from friends, family, spirit guides, and possibly a therapist.
Boost your self-esteem
Think of recent times when thoughts did not strengthen but destroy your self-confidence, and write them down. Some of the common self-sabotaging ideas of “weak” partners include:
– I am too … (fat, skinny, long, short, and so on);
– I’m not interested;
– I’m not very successful;
– I’m too old;
– I am too complex;
– I’m not smart enough.
Argue with these thoughts, become a friend to yourself. Admit that your partner has no control over your mind and stop cursing your perceived flaws. You are who you are, and if someone makes you anxious by their behavior, that is their problem, not yours.
Work to restore your personality. Start by asking yourself the following questions:
– What activities gave me pleasure before meeting with my chosen one (or before problems appeared between us)?
– What are my personal goals outside of this relationship? Am I trying to implement them?
– What is my social life outside of these relationships?
– What strengths do I have? Am I currently using them?
– What new skills and talents would I like to develop in myself?
Make not only a list of your goals, but also a detailed plan for how you will achieve them. For example, don’t just indicate “find another job.” Describe what it should be, what needs to be done to find it, think over a schedule for completing each stage.
Don’t try to look perfect for your partner.
Taking care of your appearance is considered a sign of emotional health. But it is better if you try, first of all, for your own sake. It should be an expression of your self-esteem. Plastic surgery? Please, but if you want it yourself. Don’t decorate yourself just for the sake of a partner who was not happy with you.
Imagine that you are standing in front of a mirror and preening. Hair, makeup, clothes haunt you. That naughty curl does not fit in place. Then a speck appeared on the skirt in a mysterious way. Or a pimple popped out on my face. Catch yourself thinking (“God, I look terrible!”) And argue, “I’m trying to look my best, but if my partner can’t accept me for who I am, he just doesn’t deserve to be with me.” Understand that looking flawless can lead to complexes.
Protect children from conflict
Parental divorce is always difficult for children. This is probably the most compelling argument for parents to put all their energy into rebuilding the relationship. But one cannot but agree that holding on to them “for the sake of the children” is fundamentally wrong. If parents fight, then children are doomed to a destructive combination of anxiety and depression. Here are some tips to help you minimize the temporary hardships of divorce:
– try to hide your conflicts from children;
– never blame your partner if you have to inform children about family problems;
– never use children as allies against a partner;
– Use constructively the natural feeling of guilt for the pain inflicted on children; try to get them to spend more time with both parents and support them with your love.
Beware of the words “let’s be friends”
Often after the breakup, the outgoing leader tries to use the “let’s be friends” solution. Let the romantic relationship of the “strong” in this couple did not work out, but he seeks to maintain a friendly relationship with the “weak” – on his own terms. This pattern helps the leader soften his own feelings of insecurity and stops the remorse for suffering the partner.
Such a switch for the “weak” turns out to be an emotionally difficult, if not impossible, effort. He may try to convince himself of the need to endure a friendship with a former lover, and even try his best to play this role. However, as a rule, the proposed role of a friend subconsciously remains for him the last hope for the return of his beloved.
What then is to be done? If the romantic relationship is really over, both partners should live separately for a while. During this period, the “weak” will be able to start a new life. Of course, it’s quite common for ex-partners to become really close friends, although this is not normal. But before that happens, it usually takes a period to learn how to adjust to independent living.
Learn to deal with anger
You will feel anger towards your ex for the pain they have caused and you will be angry with yourself for being “such a fool.” However, vengeful self-flagellation is useless and usually only prolongs the agony. There are better ways to deal with anger.
Transform your emotions into energy and motivation to achieve amazing career heights, reach the heights in self-development and creativity. Tell yourself, “Yes, I’m having a big setback. But this experience will not be in vain for me, and I will be able to find myself a better partner. “