Fathers Day Funny

Love ’em or groan at ’em, dad jokes are a part of life. Celebrate your special men with these hilario­us (and true) Father’s Day quotes that show that even Ryan Reynolds, Stephen Colbert and Matt Damon are all trying to figure it out too. Jot one down in a card, team it with an Apple watch/couch coaster/eye mask and send it to dad, grandpa or your husband. You can also save one of these funnies for June 19, and post on your Insta or Facebook instead. (Just make sure dad knows how to work those.)

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1. “HAVING CHILDREN IS LIKE LIVING IN A FRAT HOUSE. NOBODY SLEEPS, EVERYTHING’S BROKEN AND THERE’S A LOT OF THROWING UP.” – RAY ROMANO

 

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2. “MEN SHOULD ALWAYS CHANGE DIAPERS. IT’S A VERY REWARDING EXPERIENCE. IT’S MENTALLY CLEANSING. IT’S LIKE WASHING DISHES, BUT IMAGINE IF THE DISHES WERE YOUR KIDS, SO YOU REALLY LOVE THE DISHES.” – CHRIS MARTIN

 

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3. “THE OLDER I GET, THE SMARTER MY FATHER SEEMS TO GET.” — TIM RUSSERT

 

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4. “RAISING KIDS MAY BE A THANKLESS JOB WITH RIDICULOUS HOURS, BUT AT LEAST THE PAY SUCKS.” – JIM GAFFIGAN

 

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5. “I WANT MY SON TO WEAR A HELMET 24 HOURS A DAY. IF IT WAS SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE, I’D BE THE FIRST ONE TO HAVE MY KID IN A FULL HELMET AND LIKE A CAGE ACROSS HIS FACE MASK.” – WILL ARNETT

 

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6. “BY THE TIME A MAN REALIZES THAT MAYBE HIS FATHER WAS RIGHT, HE USUALLY HAS A SON WHO THINKS HE’S WRONG.” — CHARLES WADSWORTH

 

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7. “BUYING YOUR KID A GOLDFISH IS A GREAT WAY TO TEACH THEM ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY FOR 24—36 HOURS.” – CONAN O’BRIEN

 

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8. “YOU CAN TELL WHAT WAS THE BEST YEAR OF YOUR FATHER’S LIFE BECAUSE THEY SEEM TO FREEZE THAT CLOTHING STYLE AND RIDE IT OUT.” – JERRY SEINFELD

 

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9. “WHEN I WAS A BOY OF 14, MY FATHER WAS SO IGNORANT, I COULD HARDLY STAND TO HAVE THE OLD MAN AROUND. BUT WHEN I GOT TO BE 21, I WAS ASTONISHED AT HOW MUCH THE OLD MAN HAD LEARNED IN SEVEN YEARS.” — MARK TWAIN

 

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10. “THERE SHOULD BE A CHILDREN’S SONG: ‘IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF AND LET YOUR DAD SLEEP.’” – JIM GAFFIGAN

 

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11. “A FATHER CARRIES PICTURES WHERE HIS MONEY USED TO BE.” — STEVE MARTIN

 

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12. “GOOD PARENTING MEANS INVESTING IN YOUR CHILD’S FUTURE, WHICH IS WHY I AM SAVING TO BUY MINE A HOVERBOARD SOMEDAY.” — LIN MANUEL MIRANDA

 

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13. “GETTING A BURP OUT OF YOUR LITTLE THING WHEN SHE NEEDS IT IS PROBABLY THE GREATEST SATISFACTION I’VE COME ACROSS AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. IT IS TRULY ONE OF LIFE’S MOST SATISFYING MOMENTS.” — BRAD PITT

 

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14. “THE ONLY WAY I CAN DESCRIBE [FATHERHOOD]—IT SOUNDS STUPID—BUT AT THE END OF HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS, YOU KNOW HOW HIS HEART GROWS LIKE FIVE TIMES? EVERYTHING IS FULL; IT’S JUST FULL ALL THE TIME.” – MATT DAMON

 

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15. “FATHERHOOD IS GREAT BECAUSE YOU CAN RUIN SOMEONE FROM SCRATCH.” – JON STEWART

 

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16. “WHEN I WAS A KID, I SAID TO MY FATHER ONE AFTERNOON, ‘DADDY, WILL YOU TAKE ME TO THE ZOO?’ HE ANSWERED, ‘IF THE ZOO WANTS YOU, LET THEM COME AND GET YOU.’” — JERRY LEWIS

 

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17. “I WOULD RATHER DRINK A PIPING HOT BOWL OF LIQUID RABIES THAN GET ON A PLANE WITH MY TWO CHILDREN. AT TWO YEARS OLD THEY JUST HAVE TO RIP ALL THEIR CLOTHES OFF AND INTRODUCE THEMSELVES TO EVERYONE ON THE PLANE. IT’S JUST LIKE, ‘PLEASE CAN WE LAND IN A FARMER’S FIELD?’” – RYAN REYNOLDS

 

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18. “I RESCIND MY EARLY STATEMENT, ‘I COULD NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL WHO REGULARLY POOPS HER PANTS.’ (I HADN’T MET MY DAUGHTER YET.)” – DAX SHEPARD

 

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19. “WHEN YOU’RE YOUNG, YOU THINK YOUR DAD IS SUPERMAN. THEN YOU GROW UP, AND YOU REALIZE HE’S JUST A REGULAR GUY WHO WEARS A CAPE.” — DAVE ATTELL

 

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20. “WHENEVER ONE OF MY CHILDREN SAYS, ‘GOODNIGHT, DADDY,’ I ALWAYS THINK TO MYSELF, ‘YOU DON’T MEAN THAT.’“ – JIM GAFFIGAN

 

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21. “REMEMBER: WHAT DAD REALLY WANTS IS A NAP. REALLY.” —DAVE BARRY

 

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22. “MY DAUGHTER GOT ME A ‘WORLD’S BEST DAD’ MUG. SO WE KNOW SHE’S SARCASTIC.” – BOB ODENKIRK

 

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23. “MY 4-YEAR-OLD SON GAVE ME A HAND MADE CARD FOR FATHER’S DAY. MAYBE FOR CHRISTMAS I’LL DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME TOYS.” — JIM GAFFIGAN

 

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GABRIEL OLSEN/GETTY IMAGES

 

24. “HOW COME MY 3-YEAR-OLD SON KNOWS EVERY SPECIES AND GENUS OF DINOSAUR AND I CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER MY HOME PHONE NUMBER?” – TAYE DIGGS

 

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25. “EVEN THOUGH I’M PROUD MY DAD INVENTED THE REAR-VIEW MIRROR, WE’RE NOT AS CLOSE AS WE APPEAR.” — STEWART FRANCIS

 

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26. “ON OUR 6 A.M. WALK, MY DAUGHTER ASKED WHERE THE MOON GOES EACH MORNING. I LET HER KNOW IT’S IN HEAVEN VISITING DADDY’S FREEDOM.” — RYAN REYNOLDS

 

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27. “I FEEL LIKE THE SUCCESS OF PARENTHOOD IS FEELING LIKE I FAILED ALL DAY TODAY, BUT I GET TO WAKE UP TOMORROW AND DO IT AGAIN AND HOPEFULLY THEY TURN OUT TO BE A GOOD HUMAN BEING.”—JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

 

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28. “I HATE WHEN NEW PARENTS ASK WHO THE BABY LOOKS LIKE. IT WAS BORN 15 MINUTES AGO, IT LOOKS LIKE A POTATO.” — KEVIN HART

 

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29. “THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I HAVE HEARD MYSELF SAY IS, ‘DO YOU WANT YOUR POP-POP, YOUR BANKY, OR YOUR BABA?’ TRANSLATION: ‘DO YOU WANT YOUR PACIFIER, YOUR BLANKET OR YOUR BOTTLE?’”— TAYE DIGGS

 

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30. “WHEN YOU FIRST GET THEM…YOU’RE ALL EXCITED, AND YOU’RE READY TO DO ALL THESE THINGS. THEN YOU REALIZE IT’S LIKE GETTING A NEW CELL PHONE WHERE ALL THE FEATURES DON’T WORK YET. IT’S LIKE A PHONE [THAT] WON’T TAKE PICTURES, AND YOU’RE LIKE ‘WHY WON’T MY PHONE TAKE PICTURES?!’ AND IT WON’T MAKE CALLS, AND IT DOESN’T DO A LOT. BUT IT LOOKS REALLY CUTE!”— ASHTON KUTCHER

 

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31. “HAVING A 2-YEAR-OLD IS LIKE HAVING A BLENDER WITHOUT A LID.“ – JERRY SEINFELD

 

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32. “IT IS SO EMBARRASSING HOW I WENT FROM A PERSON WHO DID NOT CARE ABOUT ANYONE’S CHILDREN. THEN YOU HAVE THEM, AND YOU BRAG ABOUT THE SAME STUFF THAT YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT. AND YOU TELL PEOPLE, HE’S GOT FOUR TEETH LIKE THEY CARE.” —SETH MEYERS

 

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33. “NEVER UNDERESTIMATE KIDS’ TENACITY. RAISING A CHILD IS LIKE WRESTLING A SMALL BUT RELENTLESS OPPONENT.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

 

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34. “THE FIRST ONE, I ALMOST BECAME A DOULA. I WAS READING EVERY BOOK. I WAS READY. THIS ONE I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING. I’M LIKE, ‘WELL, WE DIDN’T BREAK THE FIRST ONE.’” – ASHTON KUTCHER

 

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35. “YOU HAVE TO BE ADAPTABLE BECAUSE THEY CONSISTENTLY KEEP CHANGING. THEY’LL DO SOMETHING THAT BLOWS YOUR MIND AND THEN THEY’LL SPIT ALL THEIR FOOD ON THE CARPET.” – NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

 

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36. “BEING A DAD ISN’T JUST ABOUT EATING A HUGE BAG OF GUMMY BEARS AS YOUR WIFE GIVES BIRTH. IT MEANS BEING COMFORTABLE WITH THE WORD HERO.”- RYAN REYNOLDS

 

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37. JUST TAUGHT MY KIDS ABOUT TAXES BY EATING 38% OF THEIR ICE CREAM.” -CONAN O’BRIEN

 

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38. “I LEARN THINGS FROM MY KIDS CONSTANTLY. MOST OF THEIR KNOWLEDGE COMES FROM SNAPPLE CAPS.”-JIMMY KIMMEL

 

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39. “HAVING A KID IS LIKE FALLING IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME WHEN YOU’RE 12, BUT EVERY DAY.”- MIKE MYERS

 

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40. “THE NATURE OF IMPENDING FATHERHOOD IS THAT YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING THAT YOU’RE UNQUALIFIED TO DO, AND THEN YOU BECOME QUALIFIED WHILE DOING IT.” –JOHN GREEN

 

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41. “YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE HAVING A FOURTH KID? IMAGINE YOU’RE DROWNING, THEN SOMEONE HANDS YOU A BABY.” -JIM GAFFIGAN

 

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42. “I WOULD SAY THAT THE HARDEST THING ABOUT BEING A PARENT IS THESE GODDAMNED KIDS.” -ANDY RICHTER

 

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43. “YOU DON’T NEED DRUGS WHEN YOU HAVE A [BABY]. YOU’RE AWAKE, YOU’RE PARANOID, YOU SMELL BAD… IT’S THE SAME THING.” -ROBIN WILLIAMS

 

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44. “FOR FATHERHOOD ADVICE, TRY TO LOOK YOUR CHILD IN THE EYE… GET TO KNOW THEIR NAME; THAT BECOMES IMPORTANT WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING. AND REMEMBER TO FEED THEM. THAT’S ABOUT ALL YOU NEED.” -WILL FERRELL

 

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45. “RAISING KIDS IS PART JOY AND PART GUERILLA WARFARE.” -ED ASNER

 

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46. “IF YOU’RE NOT YELLING AT YOUR KIDS, YOU AREN’T SPENDING ENOUGH TIME WITH THEM.” -MARK RUFFALO

 

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47. “SOMETIMES I AM AMAZED THAT MY WIFE AND I CREATED TWO HUMAN BEINGS FROM SCRATCH YET STRUGGLE TO ASSEMBLE THE MOST BASIC OF IKEA CABINETS.” -GREG KINNEAR

 

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48. “EVERYBODY TAKES DADDY FOR GRANTED. JUST LISTEN TO THE RADIO: EVERYTHING’S MOMMA. WHAT’S THE DAD SONG? ‘PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE.’” – CHRIS ROCK

 

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49. “NEVER RAISE YOUR HAND TO YOUR KIDS. IT LEAVES YOUR GROIN UNPROTECTED.” – RED BUTTONS

 

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50. “HAVING CHILDREN IS LIKE HAVING A BOWLING ALLEY INSTALLED IN YOUR BRAIN.” – MARTIN MULL

 

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51. “SOMETIMES I AM AMAZED THAT MY WIFE AND I CREATED TWO HUMAN BEINGS FROM SCRATCH YET STRUGGLE TO ASSEMBLE THE MOST BASIC OF IKEA CABINETS.” —JOHN KINNEAR

 

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52.”MY FATHER GAVE ME THE GREATEST GIFT ANYONE COULD GIVE ANOTHER PERSON: HE BELIEVED IN ME.”— JIMMY VALVANO

 

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53. “THE WORST PART ABOUT BEING A PARENT IS WHEN ONE OF YOUR KIDS FARTS AND YOU HAVE TO PRETEND IT WASN’T COOL.” —ROB DELANEY

 

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54. “TEENAGERS SHOULD BE AN AFFLICTION. LIKE, ‘HEY, WILL, HOW YOU DOING?’ ‘MAN, I GOT TEENAGERS. SIMPLEX 2, MAN, SIMPLEX 2.’ IT TAKES EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO RAISE TEENAGERS.” —WILL SMITH

 

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55. “A MAN KNOWS HE IS GROWING OLD BECAUSE HE BEGINS TO LOOK LIKE HIS FATHER.” —GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ

 

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56. “BEING A GREAT FATHER IS LIKE SHAVING. NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOU SHAVED TODAY, YOU HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW.” — REED MARKHAM

 

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57. “MISSING YOUR CHILDS FIRST WALK PROVES YOU ARE A FATHER.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

 

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58. “I HAVE A LOT OF KIDS. I SAY A LOT BECAUSE I DONT KNOW THE REAL NUMBER.” — JIM GAFFIGAN

 

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59. “I USED TO SAY TO ‘I WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR YOU, I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYTHING AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU.’ I WOULD SAY THAT TO MY WIFE, BUT THE SECOND I LOOKED INTO THAT BABY’S EYES, I KNEW IN THAT EXACT MOMENT THAT IF WE WERE EVER UNDER ATTACK, I WOULD USE MY WIFE AS A HUMAN SHIELD.” — RYAN REYNOLDS

 

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60. “FATHER’S DAY IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE, BESIDES BEING THE DAY ON WHICH WE HONOR DAD, IT’S THE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR THAT BROOKSTONE DOES ANY BUSINESS.” — JIMMY FALLON

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