Fathers Day Funny Quotes

There are endless ways to tell Dad Happy Father’s Day on June 19, but if the father figure in your life takes particular pride in his humor, then sharing one of these hilarious quotes will have him in stitches (the good kind!). For a funny Father’s Day, write one of these messages in a Father’s Day card or add a one liner to your Instagram post honoring Dad. The authors behind these funny Father’s Day quotes won’t mind if you steal their punchline for Dad’s special day.

If your dad isn’t one for sharing “big feelings,” or is more of a dad jokes kinda guy, he will undoubtedly appreciate these short funny dad quotes about the highs and lows of fatherhood. From celebrity dads like Conan O’Brien and Dax Shepard to former president George W. Bush, these Father’s Day quotes are as hilarious as they are wise. Combine humor with a meaningful Father’s Day gift or a special Father’s Day brunch to make Dad laugh and maybe even shed a tear or two. It’s not always easy telling your dad how much you love him, but these hilarious Father’s Day quotes take the pressure off your shoulders.

1JIM GAFFIGAN

funny fathers day jim gaffigan
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“My 4-year-old son gave me a handmade card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas I’ll draw him a picture of some toys.”

2CONAN O’BRIEN

funny fathers day conan o'brien
WOMAN’S DAY

“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24 to 36 hours.”

3CLARENCE DARROW

funny fathers day clarence darrow
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.”

4DAX SHEPARD

funny fathers day dax shepard
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.”

5JON STEWART

funny fathers day jon stewart
WOMAN’S DAY

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”

6ROB DELANEY

funny fathers day rob delaney
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“The worst part about being a parent is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool.”

7WILL SMITH

funny fathers day will smith
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“Teenagers should be an affliction. Like, ‘Hey, Will, how you doing?’ ‘Man, I got teenagers. Simplex 2, man, Simplex 2.’ It takes everything you have to raise teenagers.”

8GREG KINNEAR

funny fathers day greg kinnear
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic IKEA cabinets.”

9CHARLES WADSWORTH

funny fathers day charles wadsworth
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”

10TIM RUSSERT

funny fathers day tim russert
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”

11KEVIN HART

funny fathers day kevin hart
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“When you got more than one kid, you just wake up angry.”

12JAMES BREAKWELL

funny fathers day james breakwell
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“Four-year-old: ‘Tell me a scary story!’ Me: ‘One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.’ Four -year-old: ‘Why?'”

13RITA RUDNER

funny fathers day rita rudner
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and brought a present for my mother.”

14DAVE BARRY

funny fathers day dave barry
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.”

15JERRY LEWIS
funny fathers day jerry lewis
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'”

16MARTIN MULL

funny fathers day martin mull
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”

17JERRY SEINFELD

funny fathers day jerry seinfeld
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”

18JIMMY FALLON

funny fathers day jimmy fallon
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.”

19GEORGE W. BUSH

funny fathers day george w bush
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.”

20BOB ODENKIRK

funny fathers day bob odenkirk
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.”

21ELTON JOHN

funny fathers day elton john
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I’m very good at gibberish now.”

22JOHN WILMOT

funny fathers day john wilmot
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.”

23STEVE MARTIN

funny fathers day steve martin
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“A father carries pictures where his money used to be.”

24KEN JENNINGS

funny fathers day ken jennings
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“If my kid vanished on a plane like that Jodie Foster movie, I’d spend maybe two or three hours enjoying the legroom and quiet before I started looking.”

25CHRIS ROCK

funny fathers day chris rock
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“Nobody appreciates Daddy. I’m talking about the real daddy that handles the [expletive] business. Nobody ever says, ‘Hey, Daddy, thanks for knocking out this rent!’ ‘Hey, Daddy, I sure love this hot water!’ ‘Hey, Daddy, it’s easy to read with all this light!'”

26RAY ROMANO

funny fathers day ray romano
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

27JERRY SEINFELD

funny fathers day jerry seinfeld
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“Being a dad is the greatest pain in the ass in the world you could possibly be involved in. That is the ultimate dad-ness, full dad-ness.”

28RYAN REYNOLDS

funny fathers day ryan reynolds
WOMAN’S DAY/GETTY IMAGES

“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.”

More Funny Father’s Day Quotes

Dave Barry - Father's Day Quotes

1.) Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.
Dave Barry

Best Father's Day Quotes for Pops image

2.) One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
George Herbert

Tim Russert Father's Day quotes image

3.) The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.
Tim Russert

Great Father's Day Quotes image

4.) My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.”
Harmon Killebrew

Quotes on father's day image

5.) By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth

Steve Martin quote on being a father image

6.) A father carries pictures where his money used to be.
Steve Martin

World's Best Dad - Father's Day Quotes

7.) My daughter got me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.
Bob Odenkirk

Looking up to your dad meme image

8.) A father is someone you look up to no matter how tall you grow.
Unknown

Happy Father's Day Quotes meme

9.) A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.
Unknown

10.) My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me.
Jimmy Valvano

Funny Father’s Day Quotes

11.) We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, ‘He wants his mother.’
Erma Bombeck

12.) I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.
George W. Bush

13.) I have always had the feeling I could do anything, and my dad told me I could. I was in college before I found out he might be wrong.
Ann Richards

14.) We never know the love of a parent until we become parents ourselves.
Henry Ward Beecher

15.) A father’s words are like a thermostat that sets the temperature in the house.
Paul Lewis

16.) It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.
Barbara Kingsolver

17.) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Jack Handy

18.) The quality of a father can be seen in the goals, dreams, and aspirations he sets not only for himself but for his family.
Reed Markham

Amusing Quotations

19.) My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
Bob Monkhouse

20.) Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Martin Mull

21.) A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

22.) Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
Robert Orben

23.) Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then, fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.
Jimmy Piersall

24.) You can’t spell “parentry” without “try.” Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.
Stephen Colbert

Father’s Day Quotes Funny

25.) When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.
Dave Attell

26.) On the perfect Father’s Day. There would be just Dad, wearing his oldest surviving undershorts, free of pressure, maybe just sitting in front of the TV, watching the NBA finals. There would be no conversation other than Dad periodically observing that these players today could carry the ball across Montana and never get called for traveling.

Of course, that’s not all. You’d also make a restaurant reservation, and at the end of the day, you’d dress up and go out and have a nice dinner, during which you’d propose a toast to Dad, who would be back home, in front of the TV, happily asleep in his veteran underwear.
Dave Barry

27.) Every father is the architect of his home life.
Reed Markham

28.) I remember the time I was kidnapped, and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield

29.) Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.
Rodney Dangerfield

30.) The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow

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