[In the Griffins’ kitchen, Brian is reading the paper when Stewie walks in]
Stewie: Oh, Brian, there you are. Look, I’ve been thinking about your situation with women and I believe I’ve come up with a way to get to the source of the problem. Follow me.
[they walk into the living room]
Brian: What’s going on? Oh, my God.
[all of Brian’s ex-girlfriends sitting gathered in the living room]
Brian: Stewie, what the hell?! These are all my ex-girlfriends!
Stewie: Well, I thought they could provide some insights that might improve your love life. Ladies, as you may have guessed, you are here because you have all dated this great guy. Yet, somehow, things didn’t work out. My objective is to figure out why.
Rita: I don’t know. The word “self-absorbed” comes to mind.
Carolyn: And pretentious.
Unnamed woman #1: Definitely pretentious.
Jillian: And he’s got a big Eggo!
Stewie: Okay, we seem to have a theme going here.
Brian: Oh, come on! You’re all just mad because I didn’t want to be with you!
Ida: I think Brian’s a wonderful man. He’s just having a difficult time coming to terms with his own sexuality.
Brian: Shut up, Ida.
Stewie: She’s my favorite.
Cheryl Tiegs: He’s insecure.
Unnamed woman #2: And a blowhard.
Brooke: And he’s got a tiny penis.
[the women laugh]
Stewie: Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey. Okay, now who wants more wine.
Ida: This is great. We should do this every Saturday.
Brian: No, no, we’re not going to do this every Saturday!
Rita: What’s wrong? We’re just being honest.
Brian: Oh, oh, you want honest? [points to Rita] You’re an old bag, [points to Kate] you’re blind, [points to Brooke] your vomit tastes weird, [points to Jillian] you don’t even know why you’re here, [points to Lauren Conrad] you chose to be on The Hills, [points to Ida] you still have bits of penis left, [points to something off screen] and you can never get wet!
[it’s Gizmo that sighs]
Brian: [points to Stewie] And you?! You’re more of a woman than anyone else in this room!
[Stewie finishes his glass of wine and points at Brian]
Stewie: Get him!
[Stewie throws up and returns to the present after realizing the infant girl he fell in love with and kissed is his mother]
Brian: Oh my God. Stewie, what happened?
Stewie: NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHAT HAPPENED!!!
Brian: Jeeze, you kiss your mother with that mouth?
[Lois comes down the stairs to the darkened living room in a robe]
Lois: Peter, are you ready for your Valentine’s gift?
[She drops the robe and turns on the light to find she’s standing naked before Stewie as he stares at her]
Stewie: No, but I’m ready for therapy.
Quagmire’s date: I thought we could get some breakfast.
[Quagmire flips a switch and the girl is dropped into a mine car and sent out the front door]
Quagmire: Clearly, you’re not familiar with how this works.
Lois: You know, Peter, since it’s Valentine’s Day, I thought we should do something we’ve never done before.
[Peter pulls out a vial filled with a green fluid]
Peter: Release the virus?
Herbert: Oh, hey there, Chris! Happy Valentine’s Day! Hope Cupid brings you a saggy bag of treats!
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