Christmas

Christmas Under Wraps 

Christmas Under Wraps 

Christmas Under Wraps  So the other week I re-capped A Royal Christmas. Boy, was that fun! Sure, a little bit of my dignity died but actually, I didn’t have much of that anyway so whatever! The friend who chose A Royal Christmas also chose Christmas Under Wraps. This one’s for you, Lauren! Hey look who is starring in it! DJ Tanner from Full House. No drug addiction for you! You survived child star syndrome! Way to go!

We start off with some Romantic Comedy Oooh How Light and Fun Life Is Muzak as we pan over San Francisco. We end up in a hospital corridor as the main character LAUREN (Candace Cameron-Bure (And now I know why you chose this FILM, LAUREN)) exits surgery with another doctor. He applauds her mad mad surgery skillz which turns out was for the removal of an appendix. The way he was going on you would have thought she had just performed a triple bypass with one hand. Anyway, we, the poor poor viewer, find out that Lauren is waiting to hear about a fellowship in Boston (the same one her dad went to) and she has a feeling that her boyfriend is going to propose to her. This is the wrong thing to assume at the beginning of the movie, LAUREN. I am also surprised that her co-workers don’t hate her because she is definitely a bit of a pain in the ass. My daddy this, my boyfriend that. Blah blah blah. Decent highlights, though.

Next up we have Lauren at dinner with her boyfriend. Apparently he is the typical Hallmark douche character because his hair is a little too slick and his baby blue cashmere sweater looks dumb. She believes that he is going to propose and then it is a little bit like Legally Blonde when it turns out he is dumping her. Candace Cameron-Bure obviously avoided the Botox on her forehead just before filming so that her forehead could show emotion… kind of.

Turns out that they have only been dating for 8 months and he feels that she is too planny planny and making all the decisions about their future and stuff and he needs passionate love. She doesn’t even cry. Bitch don’t cry and that probably makes him feel better about his decision to dump her. She decides to stop by her parents’ house (MANSION) and then she finds out that she did not get the fellowship in Boston even though her father knows the guy on the board and Nepotism did not win that day, my friends. Turns out that the candidate who got the fellowship had done Doctors Without Borders and the board thought, and I quote “That that was thinking outside the box.” WHAT?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!? So anyway, Lauren is having the worst day ever and yet, Bitch don’t cry. Heart of stone I tell you. The next day she heads to the career center. The woman there is all like “Get a job until next year.” and then she looks at her screen and she is like “Well that’s funny, a fellowship just opened up in Garland, Alaska.” Lauren looks less than impressed (I think hard to tell with the Botox) and then the career center lady is all like “This would be thinking outside the box” and boom, Lauren says “Sign me up.”

The next morning, Lauren hears her cell phone ring and walks through her impossibly huge loft apartment in San Francisco. Either Lauren subsidizes her income with hard drug dealing or her father is footing the bill. No way could she afford that. NO WAY! The woman on the phone is calling from Garland, Alaska (literally took me three times to hear the name until I got it. Garland, Christmas, womp, womp. Hallmark movie writers, it’s like you don’t even care) and offers Lauren the fellowship at their hospital and they will pay for accommodation and transportation. Pretty sure Lauren could just Air BnB her loft and then buy Garland, Alaska but whatever. She decides to say yes and later in the week her mom and dad are helping her pack. Her dad says “I’ll fly you out whenever you want.” and how the fellowship in Boston will totally take her after they see she exploited a small town’s health care system by making them pay for her accommodation and 1,000 dollar plus flight.
Lauren arrives in freezing Anchorage wearing a pashmina and a peacoat and shivers. I’m pretty sure she didn’t get the fellowship in Boston not because she didn’t “think outside the box” but because she has no life skills. You look up the weather before you travel, Lauren! Dammit! A cute Hallmark male hero protagonist is standing outside (why not inside?) with a sign with her name. He gives her a “you be fiine” look and then tells her Garland (this is when I finally got the name) is only 300 miles away. Lauren looks like she wants to die. They get into a small plane and you can see all the emotions she has… Kind of.

They arrive in Garland after a panoramic flight and the guy drives her through the town. She says “Boy, you guys take Christmas seriously.” Well, Lauren, you are in a Hallmark Christmas film. Don’t think Boston is ever going to call you. They pass Holiday Trading Company (kill yourself now, Hallmark film writers) and he takes her to her cute cabin that is “walking distance” from everything. If it were me I would have probably asked “Does the General Store sell nooses? No?” Lauren wakes up the next morning and heads into the kitchen to make some coffee. Holy crap, that kitchen has granite countertops and back splash. This cabin is dope! But no coffee maker so she heads into town with her pashmina and heels (dumb ass). She goes into the local diner and of course orders a “Non fat vanilla latte.” and the woman behind the counter is all like “You can have cream and sugar.” A guy in the corner makes a comment about the goodness of sugar or something and Lauren turns and says

“Did anyone ever tell you you look like Santa Claus?” and his response should have totally been “Has anyone ever told you you look like Kathy Bates in Misery?” Turns out that the guy is Fred Holiday (ugh), owner of the Holiday Trading Company and I totally see her eyes twinkle thinking “sup, rich guy?”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *