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Best Kevin Malone Quotes 2021

Michael Scott may be the one who steals the show, but people can’t deny that Kevin Malone has given us some of the most relatable and iconic Office quotes.

The character of Kevin Malone is played by actor Brian Baumgartner throughout the nine seasons of ‘The Office.’ Even though a lot of people may think that Kevin Malone is just another slow-witted accountant, true fans of the show know that he is an entertainer in his own way.

‘The Office’ has an immensely talented cast who play the characters of Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Dwight Schrute, Pam Beesly, and others. But Kevin Malone, played by Brian Baumgartner has given us some of the funniest Office one-liners and quotes. Jim’s signature look or Michael’s quirky ways might steal your heart, but Kevin’s typical side glances and adorably chubby face can’t be ignored, no matter how much you try! There are times when Kevin will say some of the most relatable lines and at other moments, he’ll make a silly, yet really hilarious comment to grab your attention. He is the unsung hero of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Just saying. If you’ve already read all the inspirational quotes from ‘The Office,’ that Michael Scott has ever said, now’s the time to get a dose of laughter with some funny Office quotes by Kevin Malone.

Classic Kevin Malone Quotes About Food

Kevin Malone quotes about food are rib-ticklingly funny!

If you can’t imagine Michael Scott without his puns and jokes, you possibly can’t picture Kevin Malone without food. It goes without saying that he lives to eat! So, here are some epic Kevin Malone quotes that’ll make you want to re-watch the iconic moments in the show.

1. “I just want to sit on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 3, Episode 23, 2006.

2. “At least once a year I like to bring in some of my Kevin’s favorite chili.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 5, Episode 26, 2008.

3. “The trick is to under-cook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 5, Episode 26, 2008.

4. “Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?”

-‘The Office,’ Season 9, Episode 9, 2012.

5. “Put back everything in the vending machine, except the fruit.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 7, Episode 25, 2010.

6. “I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 7, Episode 8, 2010.

7. “You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 8, Episode 20, 2011.

8. “Angela’s cats are cute. So cute that you just wanna eat ‘em. But you can’t eat cats. You can’t eat cats Kevin.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 9, Episode 1, 2012.

9. “I hear Angela’s party will have double-fudge brownies. But it will also have Angela.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 3, Episode 10, 2006.

The Funniest And The Best Kevin Malone Quotes From The Show

Kevin Malone quotes are so funny they'll never be out of trend.

Kevin Malone is one of the most relatable characters among all the office employees. He has given us some famous Office quotes that we can’t seem to get enough of! Here are some Kevin quotes from his best moments in the show.

10. “You know who’s really funny? This bird in the park that can’t fly right. I’d pay to see him but I don’t have to, ‘cause the park is free.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 9, Episode 22, 2012.

11. “So, Dwight doesn’t understand what a silent auction is. I guess he’s the ‘stupid guy’ in the office, huh? Cause up ’til now, we didn’t have one.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 8, Episode 22, 2011.

12. “I have very little patience for stupidity.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 7, Episode 18, 2010.

13. “I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.”

-‘The Office, Season 4, Episode 11, 2007.

14. “I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn’t.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 2, Episode 10, 2005.

15. “Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the time.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 8, Episode 22, 2011.

16. “I kinda know what it’s like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 4, Episode 9, 2007.

17. “Nope it’s not Ashton Kutcher, it’s Kevin Malone. Equally handsome, equally smart.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 7, Episode 20, 2010.

18. “Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air? Or was it me?”

-‘The Office,’ Season 8, Episode 12, 2011.

19. “I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman’s gotta take off his cape.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 8, Episode 14, 2011.

20. “Dwight: Excuse me, I have to run to my car, to take a dump.

Kevin: Wish my car had a bathroom.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 9, Episode 9, 2012.

21. “Meredith: If I ever got that bad, you’d tell me right?

Kevin: Meredith I tell you all the time.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 9, Episode 13, 2012.

22. “I go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 9, Episode 19, 2012.

23. “This is a documentary? Ohhhh. I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo.”

-‘The

Office,’ Season 9, Episode 19, 2012.

24. “You’re too character-y to be a lead, and you’re not fat enough to be a great character actor.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 9, Episode 22, 2012.

25. “I got six numbers, one more and it would have been a complete phone number.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 6, Episode 5, 2009.

26. “Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick.”

-‘The Office,’ Season 8, Episode 2, 2011.

Quotes By Kevin Malone

15“ME THINK, WHY WASTE TIME SAY LOT WORD, WHEN FEW WORD DO TRICK. WHEN ME PRESIDENT THEY SEE. THEY SEE.”

kevins band at phyllis wedding - the office

Kevin thinks that if he shortens his sentences like the above quote he’ll save more time and he also believes he’s a genius because of the idea. Everyone is immediately annoyed with his new cadence and have to sit him down to tell him to stop talking like this.

Most people can relate to trying to figure out a way to save time or getting into a new hobby that doesn’t work out and you have to quit.

14“YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM FOR 45 MINUTES AND EVERYTHING CHANGES.”

Kevin on The Office

Kevin, like most of the office employees, was known for slacking off at work and most people would relate if they have a 9 to 5 job that isn’t always exhilarating.

Kevin says he was in the bathroom for 45 minutes and it’s either a real stomach issue or he just needed a break from work. He says everything’s changed since he’s been gone, which makes sense if you take almost an hour-long bathroom break.

13“I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS FOREVER.” “IT’S BEEN 20 SECONDS.” “CALL IT.”

In the iconic CPR scene, the employees at Dunder Mifflin Scranton have to try their best to give CPR to a mannequin with a trained professional’s help. Everybody’s approach is very in character as Michael gets distracted and Dwight tries to harvest the mannequin’s organs.

Kevin quickly gets winded after 20 seconds of trying to do CPR and tells the trainer to call it because he can’t save them. Jim gives a hilariously concerned look to the camera after seeing his co-worker essentially give up on saving a life because he got tired.

12“NO, IT’S NOT ASHTON KUTCHER. IT’S KEVIN MALONE.”

Kevin Malone with a wig on in The Office

Kevin gets a wig and he feels incredibly confident with his new look even though everyone he works with immediately knows that it’s not his real hair. But nevertheless, Kevin is still blissfully confident in his new look.

Most everyone can relate to trying a new look and being confident and excited about it even if it’s not the best choice.

11“SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE I WORK WITH IS AN IDIOT. AND BY SOMETIMES I MEAN ALL TIMES.”

It’s rare that people love every single one of their co-workers, so this is definitely a relatable quote from Kevin. His wording makes it even funnier because it doesn’t sound like the most natural sentence but it’s as Kevin says, he thinks everyone else he works with is an idiot.

It’s also a hilariously ironic quote from him as most of the punchlines about his character show that he’s not the smartest person in the office.

10“I JUST WANT TO SIT ON THE BEACH AND EAT HOT DOGS. THAT’S ALL I’VE EVER WANTED.”

During the iconic “Beach Games” episode from season 3, Kevin Malone reflects what we would all be thinking if we were there, too. While Pam might be going through an emotional glow-up and Michael is trying to have the employees compete for his job, Kevin just wants to relax on the beach and eat.

It is beach day after all, which should be a day to relax and splurge on delicious summertime foods. Sadly for Kevin, he didn’t get to live out his beach dreams completely.

9“I GOT SIX NUMBERS. ONE MORE WOULD HAVE BEEN A COMPLETE TELEPHONE NUMBER.”

Kevin Malone is not a character that has a lot of game when it comes to the dating world. He sometimes is more confident in himself than he should be, but that’s also something to be admired.

Kevin is always proud of himself whenever he gets any attention from a woman. With this hilarious quote, he’s pretty happy about the fact that he almost got an entire telephone number. We’ve all had days where we don’t have a lot of game, so this quote is pretty relatable.

8“I HAVE VERY LITTLE PATIENCE FOR STUPIDITY.”

This quote will definitely make fans of The Office laugh as Kevin is not exactly seen as being the brightest bulb on the show. Other characters often make fun of him for not being very smart, so the idea that he’s the one that can’t put up with stupidity is hilarious.

Also, this line is definitely relatable. We all have times where we just can’t deal with the way other people are acting around us. Some days, there is just too much stupidity.

7“I WANTED TO EAT A PIG IN A BLANKET, IN A BLANKET.”

Kevin is the character who represents the food lover in all of us. During Erin’s dinner party to watch Glee, Kevin decides he just wants to eat a pig in a blanket while wrapped up in bed in a blanket. This is the kind of cozy relaxation that we can all aspire to.

The only problem is that he just made himself at home in Gabe’s bed, which is something that your average person probably wouldn’t do. It’s probably better to only eat food in your own bed.

6“I WANT TO BE WINED AND DINED AND [Bedroom Activity] …”

Most of us want to be romanced. Kevin expresses this feeling quite well with this hilarious quote. Poor Kevin doesn’t get a lot of pampering or romance in his life, although he has had a couple of relationships.

This feeling of wanting to be taken care of — both in and outside of the bedroom — is super relatable, especially when you’re single. One must give Kevin credit for expressing some of the things that we all feel.

5“I WATCHED TV FOR 14 HOURS.”

If there’s one thing that many people can relate to these days it’s binge-watching television. While this activity is especially common for millennials, people of all ages sometimes can’t keep themselves from watching an entire television show in one sitting.

When Kevin reflects with regret on the fact he watched television for over 14 hours, that should strike a chord with everyone who owns a Netflix account. After watching television for that long, you start to feel guilty… but this doesn’t stop you from doing it again.

4“WHENEVER I TRY TO MAKE A TACO, I GET TOO EXCITED AND CRUSH IT.”

Delicious comfort food is something that most of us love. Kevin loves all junk food, too, and he isn’t shy about it at all. Whether it’s the M&M’s at his desk or fast food, Kevin is always talking about food which is something we can relate to.

Sometimes, when you’re trying to make the food you really love, you can get really excited about it. While most of us don’t crush our tacos, the thrill over food is super relatable.

3“MINI CUPCAKES? AS IN THE MINI VERSION OF REGULAR CUPCAKES?”

This line might be one of Kevin’s funniest quotes throughout the entire series. As a person who really loves food, it’s no wonder he has some strong opinions on the subject.

He’s definitely not having the idea of the mini cupcakes and continues this quote saying, “which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?” Kevin isn’t one to get riled up all that often, but he takes his food very seriously.

2“YOU THINK THIS IS A GREAT PARTY? THIS CAKE HAS VEGETABLES IN IT.”

Brian Baumgartner as Kevin Malone in The Office eating Broccoli

If you’ve ever gone to a party or to dinner at someone’s house only to find that all of the food is super healthy and you’re not here for it, you can relate to this quote. Even though the cake was a carrot cake — which is still pretty sweet — Kevin doesn’t want vegetables anywhere near his desserts, and no one can blame him for that.

While a carrot cake does occasionally hit the spot, few things can replace chocolate. And Kevin is not afraid to say as much.

1“I DO DESERVE A VACATION. SOMETIMES BATMAN’S GOT TO TAKE OFF HIS CAPE.”

Kevin feels like he works hard. Whether or not he really does, we all have those moments where we are overworked and know a vacation is needed. This quote reflects that inner voice we all have that says we are a superhero and we deserve some time off to rest and relax.

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