“Did someone just talk about a job opening? Guess who’s got two thumbs up and was just cleared of insurance fraud? This guy!! Got off on a technicality!!!” – Jean Ralphio

“Pills Baby!” – Jean Ralphio

“why are you like this” – Jean Ralphio

“I actually forgot they dated, I was trying to hit that.” – Jean Ralphio

“Why don’t you live your life like that cow from the video?” – Jean Ralphio

“i guess im.. OpEn MinDeD aS hEeEeEll!” – Jean Ralphio

“Because technically I’m… violating my hoooooouse arreeeeeeeeeeeest!” – Jean Ralphio

“She said if you don’t love what you do…then why do it? Then she ripped the hair from my B hole”. – Jean Ralphio

“Every breath is agony, son” – Jean Ralphio

“I got run over by a Lexus” – Jean Ralphio

“Because technically I’m hooooomelesssss” – Jean Ralphio

“Business partner now and forever. Hold up – Forever 21, 21 gun salute, Salute Your Shorts, Kaboosh! I just free associated all over the moo-stache.” – Jean Ralphio

“She’s the wooo-ooorst!!!!” – Jean Ralphio

“You boy here is a question on the Bar exam” – Jean Ralphio

“I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears.” – Jean Ralphio

“It’s like I always say. When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma’s jewelry, and go clubbing.” – Jean Ralphio

“I say we invest our 10 large and I ‘accidentally’ get run over by a city bus!”

“Flushed with CAAASH!” – Jean Ralphio

“K to the N to the O P E, she’s the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee. Indiana.” – Jean Ralphio

“Mona Lisa just has a way with her words.” – Jean Ralphio

“Why don’t you use that time to go after one of your passions. Like model trains, or toy Gandalfs or something.” – Jean Ralphio

“Look at that. I guess sometimes I call men “beautiful” too. I guess I’m open-minded as hell. And I think you’re pretty good-looking.” – Jean Ralphio

“I will create a tiny go-cart for your grandma.” – Jean Ralphio

“Kuh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh bang! Which one floats your penis?” – Jean Ralphio

“Aww, Snapple. Are we calling everybody “baby” now? ‘Cause honestly, I love that.” – Jean Ralphio

“The entire party’s a VIP area.” – Jean Ralphio

Famous Jean Ralphio Quotes

I will create a tiny go-cart for your grandma. – Jean Ralphio

Why don’t you use that time to go after one of your passions. Like model trains, or toy Gandalfs or something. – Jean Ralphio

Wink! Rent A Swag! Where your swag is my business! – Jean Ralphio

Ben. Is that your real name? You could do better than that, I’m gonna help you out right now. Your name is Angelo. Angelo, thank you so much for coming out, get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don’t know where the paperwork is, but when you find it can you take care of it for us. We don’t have any pens because we’re afraid it’s gonna leak on our shirts. Lastly, I hate the name Angelo, I’m gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is Jello Shot. What do you think about that, J-Shot? Do you have questions? – Jean Ralphio

That’s too much responsibility. I gotta find a way out of this. – Jean Ralphio

Technically, I’m homeless. – Jean Ralphio

No, no, no, Barney, c’mon. But you don’t have to be an accountant to know that this girl is a 10. Yo, what up, Diaz? Come here often? – Jean Ralphio

Aww, Snapple. Are we calling everybody baby now? ‘Cause honestly, I love that. – Jean Ralphio

Kuh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh bang! Which one floats your p*nis? – Jean Ralphio

Lemony Snicket. Oh, my God, are you serious? I’m gonna be an uncle? Is that a real thing? Is that gonna happen? No, no, that’s too much– too much responsibility for me. I gotta…I gotta find another way out of this. – Jean Ralphio

One time, I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base, over the pants. – Jean Ralphio

Look at that. I guess sometimes I call men beautiful too. I guess I’m open-minded as hell. And I think you’re pretty good-looking. – Jean Ralphio

I got a terminal case of get-me-to-the-front-of-the-line-at-Six-Flags! – Jean Ralphio

I got run over by a Lexus! – Jean Ralphio

I hope you brought a change of clothes because your eyes are about to piss tears. – Jean Ralphio

Oh, yeah she’s my sister. My twin sister, from the same mister. Thank you so much for hiring Mona-Lisa. It means so much to me. Even though, honestly, she’s The wo-o-orst. She is the worst person in the world. Huge sk*nk. Terrible. But thank you. It means a lot. Got to keep it in the family. – Jean Ralphio

I say we invest our 10 large and I ‘accidentally’ get run over by a city bus! – Jean Ralphio

What up, Big Teeeeeee…stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let’s cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let’s seal this devil’s threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, or my pre-owned Acura Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin’, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy? – Jean Ralphio

One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants. – Jean Ralphio

Business partner now and forever. Hold up – Forever 21, 21 gun salute, Salute Your Shorts, Kaboosh! I just free associated all over the moo-stache. – Jean Ralphio

Talk about Andy’s ex-girlfriends, quote from Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause…drop the microphone, get out of that b*tch. – Jean Ralphio

Jean-Ralphio: ‘Ben…Is that your real name?’ Ben: ‘Yes…?’ Jean-Ralphio: ‘Oh you could do better than that. I’m gonna help you out right now, your name is… Angelo. Angelo thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie, it looks weird on you. It makes your head look like a fish. Secondly, I don’t know where the paperwork is, but when you find it can you take care of it for us? We don’t have any pens ’cause we’re afraid it’s gonna leak on our shirts. Well actually I hate the name Angelo I’m gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is… Jell-o shot. What do you think about that J-shot? Any questions?’ – Jean Ralphio

It’s like I always say, okay. When life gives you lemons you sell some of your grandma’s jewellery and you go clubbing. – Jean Ralphio

Why don’t you turn that frizzown upside-dizzity? – Jean Ralphio

I dagger you on the dance floor. Just bounce, bounce now all the ladies sayin’ bounce. What do you say, sexy? – Jean Ralphio

Free money! – Jean Ralphio

Tom: What about your trust fund? Jean Ralphio: My parents had it amended. I don’t get anything until I’m 50, which is a waste because I’m going to be a billionaire in Costa Rica by then. Eatin’ dolphin and hangin’ out with lady singers. – Jean Ralphio

TOMMY T! You just missed the CRAZIEST of crazies. Clubs. Girls. Dancing. Naked—MOM?!?! Argument. Fleeing the scene. Hiding in a dumpster. Coming here. Crashing on your couch for a week ‘cause [sings] technically I’m homeless. – Jean Ralphio

Flushed with CAAASH! – Jean Ralphio

Tom: Do you think there’s any chance your dad will give up? Jean-Ralphio: I doubt it, he never gives up on anything – except for my mom. When she turned thirty, he was like, ‘GET OOUT!’ – Jean Ralphio

K to the N to the O P E, she’s the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee. Indiana. Oh R to the O to the N, and then I say Swanson’s got swagger the size of Big Ben, clock B to the O to the double-S, do what he says and you’ll be success…ful – Jean Ralphio

Why don’t you live your life like that cow did from the video? – Jean Ralphio

I say we invest our 10 large and I ‘accidentally’ get run over by a city bus! – Jean Ralphio

I made my money the old-fashioned way. I got run over by a Lexus! – Jean Ralphio

The entire party’s a VIP area. – Jean Ralphio