Best It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes

“I am the king of the mountain top!”

“I’m the queen of the night!”

“Charlie: Why were you sleeping in?

“ Hi. I’m a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I’d like some welfare, please.”

“Having those other people laugh tells me when I should laugh.”

“Dennis: Name a Philadelphia celebrity you would like to have a drink with.

Dee: Bill Cosby.

Frank: The cards are a little outdated.”

“Well, if I’ve learned anything from films like Executive Decision or Passenger 57, there’s always a way into the cargo hold.”

“She said ‘vagina.’ A woman said ‘vagina.’”

“Frank: Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting rip sh*t on ham.

Mac: Wouldn’t you say we’re getting… Hammered?”

“Fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli.”

“Dennis: What’s wrong with the Jersey Shore?

Mac: Come on, you’ve seen that TV show. It’s just a bunch of sweaty Guidos getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases.”

“People change, Frank. Look at me: I went from a tiny twink to the muscle-bound freak you see before you.”

“Without the sunglasses, Weekend at Bernie’s would have been a very dark, strange tale”

“This sucks. This sucks a bag of dicks.”

“Principal: I’m a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?

Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn’t have a formal resume on me so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I’m hoping to bring to this position.”

“If animals have taught me anything, it’s that you can easily die and very quickly under a bus and on the side of the road.”

“Just so I’m clear, you don’t actually think things are going to come alive because you’re spending the night in museum, right?”

“Frank: Anyone want any more catfish?

Charlie: Yo dude. Definitely give me another one of those. They’re delicious. And you can taste that sort of endangered tang…”

“Mac: Hey bro, how’d you lose your hand?

Sailor: Diabetes.

Mac: That’s not much of an adventure is it? Kind of tragic.”

“Dennis: The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy top side, so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck, and you know, they can’t refuse…because of the implication.

Mac: Okay you had me goin’ there for the first half. The second half kinda threw me.

Dennis: Well dude, think about it. She’s out in the middle of nowhere, with some dude she barely knows. She looks around and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. ‘Ah there’s nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?’

Mac: Okay. That seems really dark.”

“And then he smells crime again, he’s out busting heads. Then he’s back to the lab for some more full penetration. Smells crime. Back to the lab, full penetration. Crime. Penetration. Crime. Full penetration. Crime. Penetration. And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the movie just sort of ends.”

“D: Demonstrate Value
E: Engage Physically
N: Nurture Dependence
N: Neglect Emotionally
I: Inspire Hope
S: Separate Entirely”

“Oh whoops, ooh! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong!”

“Frank: See, I would have gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating I have a monster dong.

Dennis: Right, that comes off a little bit desperate, Frank.”

“I’ll just regress, because I feel I’ve made myself perfectly redundant.”

“You bet your ass I’m wearing women’s underwear!”

“I do not appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately.”

“[trying to say philanthropist] I’m a full-on-rapist.”

“Charlie: Do wasps make honey?

Dennis: No wasps do not make honey.

Charlie: Alright well I’m gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make and I want that”

“Frank: All right, now, pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken. And you’re gonna cook it tonight, make a tasty dinner. It’s gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.

Beth: Actually, I’m vegan.

Frank: Okay then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it is a shoe.”

“Dee: Maybe you shouldn’t have your window open!

Mac: maybe you shouldn’t be throwing jars of piss out the window!”

“I eat stickers all the time dude!”

“I am going to smack everyone into tiny…little…pieces!”

“I was that little boy, that little baby boy was me! I once was a boy, but now I’m a man! I fought the Nightman, lived as Dayman, now I’m here to ask for your hand, so if you are too merry m’am will you marry me? Will you come on stage and join me in this thing called matrimony? Please say yes and do not bone me, please just marry me!”

“ I stole a bunch of guns! I’m testing them out, Charles! This revolution is gonna make us a fortune!”

“See you, Coach Dick and Balls.”

“Dennis: You know what I’m concerned about? I don’t want to get too bulky. I want to stay nice and lean and tight. I want to get that Jesus on the cross look.

Dee: I see what you’re saying. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core.

Dennis: Oh absolutely. Jesus had like the best abs. He had the right idea. He knew no pain no gain.”

“You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! Okay! I’ve stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac–how ’bout that for stress?”

“The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you.”

“Im gonna take my bra off, blast my nips.”

“ Surprise, bitches! We’re alive and it’s blowing your minds right now!”

“Dennis: No, I’m not going to talk in a southern accent. It’s bad enough that you wore this stupid ‘disguise.’

Charlie: But we’re oil men! We would have southern accents.

Dennis: Yeah, but we don’t need bolo ties and stupid hats.”

“Of course I’m gonna explode. You think I’m not gonna explode?”

“Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn’t be sticking my dick through a wall.”

“Yeah! Yeah, that’s the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!”

“Dennis: Lay it on us, bud.

Mac: It involves us pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own. Not gay sex.”

“Cannibalism? Racism? Dude, that’s not for us…those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We’re just here to eat some dude!”

“Frank: Hey! I killed a deer, I should get to eat it. That’s the natural order.

Mac: Wait, you shot a deer?

Frank: That’s right! A ten point buck!”

“Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.

Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, okay?

Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.

Charlie: Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn’t mean I don’t do it every Friday.”

“ I don’t wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!”

“Masturbating Bums are bad for Business.”

“Dennis: Frank, we don’t need the chainsaw. Is that what’s in that bag?

Frank: Oh, we do…because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance…a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.”

“Glue is for huffing, dude!”

“We set the building on fire, you just happened to catch on fire!”

“I’m not asking you to do anything, just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid.”

“Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, AND FIRE OFF INTO JOBLAND, WHERE JOBS GROW ON JOBBIES?!!!”

“Dee: Those goddam North Koreans.

Dennis: They are some sneaky bastards.”

“Mac, I’m gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you’re trying to manipulate me. And it’s not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I’ve got a fatty to burn.”

“Dude, I swear to god if you try and give me a noogie I will yank your underwear over your head so hard your asshole will rip in half.”

“When we get out of this, I’m gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast…Not in the sexual way! In the ‘I am pissed off’ sort of way.”

“The acid’s makin’ me feel like I gotta take a dump.”