Happy Gilmore Quotes
1. “Terry: The only thing you ever talk about anymore is becoming a hockey player. The problem with that is you’re not a good player.”
Happy: You’re wrong. I am a good player. You’re a terrible kindergarten teacher. I’ve seen the work you bring home from school and it’s terrible.”
2. “Shooter: You’re in for it now, Gilmore. I have people like you for my breakfast. I’m not worried about you at all.
Happy: You eat people for breakfast?
Shooter: No I don’t.”
3. “Virginia: I heard something about you. I heard that you broke a rake and threw it out in the woods.
Happy: What do you mean? I didn’t break anything. I was trying to figure out the durability of it and then I put it in the woods because it is wood. I thought it would be more comfortable with its family.”
4. “Virginia: Don’t waste your time beating him here. Beat him on the golf course.
Happy: Exactly. I will whip your ass on the golf course.
Shooter: Sure you will and Grizzly Adams also had a beard.
Lee: Actually, he did have a beard.”
5. “Chubbs: What are you doing, Gilmore?
Happy: I have about a year to try out for hockey. I gotta get tough.”
6. “Chubbs: You did a good job today.
Happy: I appreciate that.
Chubbs: Don’t get cocky. You weren’t that good. You had to rely on luck.
Happy: People may call it luck. I’m one of those people that like to call it luck. Who cares?”
7. “Happy: I’m only in this tournament for money. Now there’s an extra reason to be in the tournament. I wanna beat your ass.
Shooter: I can’t wait to see you try to beat my ass.
Happy: Let’s do this.
Shooter: I meant during the tournament.”
8. “Chubbs: It’s all about hip action, Gilmore.
Happy: Will you get off of me?
Chubbs: Calm down. I’m just trying to get you to relax.
Happy: Well, do it to someone else.”
9. “Happy: As big as you are, how come you don’t play football?
Chubbs: My mother didn’t want to sign the permission slip. She thought it would be too dangerous.
Happy: She made the right decision.”
10. “Portland is the winner today no matter what happens in the competition. Any time I come here, it’s hard to go home. I think someone put something in the water to keep people from leaving this city.” – by Shooter
11. “Happy: It would give me great pleasure to punch him in his face. Unfortunately, I can’t do that because I would be in trouble. I’m sure you go through this a lot on Let’s Make A Deal.
Bob Barker: I’m not on Let’s Make A Deal. I’m on The Price Is Right.
Happy: Oh right. Sorry about that.”
12. “Grandma: That commercial is making me hungry.
Happy: Eating won’t be a problem for us anymore. I got a Subway card that says I could eat Subway for free for the rest of my life.”
13. “Chubbs, I admit I am not a smart man. I am stupid actually. You were right all along and I was wrong. You’re a great player and I’m a terrible player. You look great while I’m ugly.” – by Happy
14. “Orderly: Great news everyone! There will be more time for arts and crafts today.
Elderly woman: My fingers are in pain.
Orderly: What did you say?
Elderly woman: My fingers are in pain.
Orderly: Now your back’s gonna be in pain because you’re gonna have to do landscaping. Does anyone else have pain in their fingers? (no one responds) I didn’t think you would.”
15. “Guy On Green: Hey you finally got a hole in one.
Happy: I finally did it. For some reason, I couldn’t do it right. I wanted to do it right, but I just couldn’t do it right.”
16. “Chubbs: Thanks for following the dress code.
Happy: If I dress like that, I would beat my own self up.
17. “Grandma: How’s the girl you’re dating?
Happy: She’s not too good. She was hit by a car and died.”
18. “Grandma: May I have a glass of warm milk? It is the only thing that will help me go to sleep.
Orderly: You can ask me for a glass of leave me alone. You will go to sleep. If not, I will make sure you go to sleep. You see my nametag? You’re living in my world now, grandma.”
19. “I don’t want just part of you. I want all of you.” – by Bob Barker
20. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Happy Gilmore. For as long as I could remember, I enjoyed hockey. I wasn’t the greatest skater in the world despite that, my father still taught me his greatest move.” – by Happy
21. “While I was in high school, I played hockey. I still hold two records. One of the records is spending all of my time in a penalty box. The other record is for being the only person to ever take off his skate and try to hurt someone.” – by Happy
22. “To play golf, you need to have ugly pants and a big behind. My neighbor is perfect for the sport because of his big behind.” – by Happy
23. “Did the ball go in? I wasn’t looking. I didn’t see it go in. Can someone tell me if the ball went in or not?” – by Happy
24. “Virginia: I thought we agreed to be friends.
Happy: Do friends listen to love songs in the dark?”
25. “(To the ball): do you think you’re too good to go home? Are you gonna respond to me?” – by Happy
26. “You gotta take in the good vibes and keep out the bad ones. You have to go with the flow and feel it just like a carousel.” – by Potter
27. “Help! I need to get out of this car!” – by Grandma
28. “The price isn’t right. It’s wrong now, bitch.” – by Happy
29. “Chubbs: I was told I was supposed to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy: What happened with that goal?
Chubbs: I wasn’t allowed to play pro golf anymore.
Happy: Is it because of your race?
Chubbs: No. It’s because an alligator tore my hand off.
Chubbs: It happened in Florida. My ball went down by the lake. The alligator showed up and took me out in my prime. I was able to get my revenge when I took out one of its eyes.
Happy: You’re a sick man, Chubbs.”
30. “Where were you at, you dipstick?” – by Happy
31. “Happy: I’ll make a deal with you. If you score, I’ll leave you alone. If you don’t, you have to kiss me like you mean it.
Virginia: Do you always have a puck on you?
Happy: Yes I do”.
32. “This is a big financially racial audience at this Invitational.” – by the Announcer
33. “This is golf not a concert.” – by Shooter
34. “Mr. Larson: That’s two, Shooter.
Shooter: I’m surprised you can count. That’s great.
Mr. Larson: You can count on the fact that I’ll be waiting for you in the back.”
35. “Stop flirting with the help and take your shot if you can, Gilmore.” – by Shooter
Happy Gilmore Quotes
Adam Sandler as Happy Gilmore
- (Adam Sandler) “That Son of a Bitch. Give me my ball, come on, pop it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I’m gonna — give the ball, alligator. Hey, you’ve got one eye, Chubbs. You took his hand.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Hey, my girlfriend is dead, you know. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Where are you going with those clubs, punk?”
- (Happy’s Waterbury Caddy) “Mr. Gilmore, I’m your caddy.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Oh, I’m sorry about that. Let me carry these, alright, they were my grandfather’s, they’re pretty old.”
- (Happy’s Waterbury Caddy) “Well, what should I do then?”
- (Adam Sandler) “I don’t know. Why don’t you just watch me, and make sure I don’t do anything stupid. Okay?”
- (Starter #1) “Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty will be teeing off now.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Alright, good luck, buddy.”
- (Happy’s Waterbury Caddy) “Get out the way.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Where were you on that one, dipshit?”
- (Guy on Green) “It’s about time.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Yeah it is about time. I mean I just couldn’t get the ball in the hole. I wanted to but I just couldn’t do it.”
- (Adam Sandler) “My name is Happy Gilmore. Ever since I was old enough to skate, I loved hockey. I wasn’t really the greatest skater though. But that didn’t stop my dad from teaching me the secret of smacking his greatest slap shot.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Dammit. Is that goal regulation size or what? Sheesh.”
- (Crazy Old Lady) “Mister. Mister. Get me outta here.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Here, eat that and leave us alone.”
- (Doctor) “Well, You’re a little banged up but no serious injury’s. Just keep off your feet for a few days.”
- (Adam Sandler) “To hell with that. I gotta finish up.”
- (Doctor) “Fine. Do whatever you like. What would I know? I’m just a Doctor.”
- (Adam Sandler) “It ain’t over, McGavin. The way I see it — we’ve only just begun.”
- (Bob Barker) “How you doing, Happy? I’m Bob Barker.”
- (Adam Sandler) “What an honor. How nice to meet you.”
- (Bob Barker) “Looks like you and I are going to be playing together today.”
- (Adam Sandler) “But she’s an old lady. I mean, look at her. She’s old. You can’t just take her stuff. She’s too old.”
- (IRS Agent) “I’m sorry, I have no discretion. Her stuff is now our stuff.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Happy learned how to putt. Uh-oh.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Did that go in? I wasn’t watching, did it go in? I didn’t see it, could you tell me if it went in?”
- (Adam Sandler) “I’d love to punch that guy in the face right now. But I can’t, you know, because I’d get in trouble. I bet you get a lot of that on “Let’s Make A Deal.””
- (Bob Barker) “It’s “The Price Is Right,” Happy.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Oh, yeah. Sorry.”
- (Bob Barker) “It happens. Let’s play some golf.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Okay.”
- (Crazy Old Lady) “Mista, mista. Get this off of me.”
- (Crazy Old Lady) “Mista.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Hang on, I’ll be right down there.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Hey, you know that ‘Mista Mista Lady’ — I think I just killed her.”
- (Adam Sandler) “What the hell is the matter with you?”
- (Christopher McDonald) “Well, Real Estate is a hobby of mine –“
- (Christopher McDonald) “Ah ah. You lay another finger on me, I burn the house down and piss on the ashes.”
- (Adam Sandler) “I’m telling you this place is perfect, you’re gonna make friends in no time.”
- (Adam Sandler) “A guy your size, why don’t you play a real sport, like football?”
- (Carl Weathers) “My Momma wouldn’t sign the permission slip. Said it might be a little too dangerous.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Yeah, good call.”
- (Adam Sandler) “You little son of a bitch ball. Why you don’t you just go HOME? That’s your HOME. Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME. SUCK MY WHITE ASS, BALL.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Let me just enjoy the one thing that makes me a little bit happy. This fresh, cold, delicious, turkey-filled –“
- (Adam Sandler) “– Cold-cut combo from Subway. I eat three every day to keep me strong.”
- (Frances Bay) “Hey Happy, hit one over here.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Comin’ right up.”
- (Adam Sandler) “That’s what I call a hole-in-one.”
- (Adam Sandler) “During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.”
- (Adam Sandler) “That guy’s driving me crazy.”
- (Bob Barker) “You know what’s driving me crazy? You, not getting the ball in the hole.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Don’t push me, Bob. Now’s not the time.”
- (Bob Barker) “This guy sucks.”
- (Announcer) “We haven’t seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead-last.”
- (Bob Barker) “I can’t believe you’re a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.”
- (Adam Sandler) “You better relax, Bob.”
- (Bob Barker) “There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Alright, let’s go.”
- (Adam Sandler) “You like that, old man? You want a piece of me?”
- (Bob Barker) “I don’t want a piece of you, I want the whole thing.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Now you’re gonna get it, Bobby.”
- (Adam Sandler) “The price is wrong, bitch.”
- (Bob Barker) “I think you’ve had enough.”
- (Bob Barker) “No?”
- (Bob Barker) “Now you’ve had enough — bitch.”
- (Mover) “I’ll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we’ll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Give me the stupid club.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Look at this stupid thing.”
- (Mover) “This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he’s standing.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Yeah you like that?”
- (Mover) “Holy shit.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Go back to work.”
- (Mover) “That house is like four hundred yards away.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Is that good?”
- (Mover) “That’s unbelieveable.”
- (Mover) “Beginner’s luck. Twenty bucks says you can’t do it again.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Bring it on.”
- (Unnamed) “You boys are going to pay for that. clunk AHH.”
- (Mover) “You hit that guy.”
- (Adam Sandler) “He shouldn’t have been standing there.”
- (Mover) “One more time, double or nothing.”
- (Adam Sandler) “You better pay up.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Step right up, folks. See if you can out drive the amazing Golf Ball, uh, Whacker Guy.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Somebody’s closer.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Whoa, must be Burt Reynolds or somethin’.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Oh, God, that hurt a little, but I’m alright.”
- (Adam Sandler) “I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass.”
- (Christopher McDonald) “Well, I’d like to see you try.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Let’s do it, then.”
- (Christopher McDonald) “I meant on a golf course.”
- (Julie Bowen) “Hey. What’s going on here, huh?”
- (Adam Sandler) “Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there’s some of it and there’s some of it right there, too.”
- (Julie Bowen) “Why don’t you just put it down?”
- (Adam Sandler) “Yeah, I know.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Do you know what the pathetic thing is? You have been doing this your whole life.”
- (Adam Sandler) “He shoots, he scores.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.”
- (Carl Weathers) “Good plan.”
- (Julie Bowen) “Did you see that?”
- (Christopher McDonald) “Yes. Nice shot.”
- (Julie Bowen) “He just got a Hole-in-One on a par four.”
- (Christopher McDonald) “I know. I just said I saw it.”
- (Julie Bowen) “Oh, I hope he wins. He’s a publicist’s dream. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball that far; oh, he could really draw a crowd.”
- (Christopher McDonald) “You know what else could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Piece of monkey shit.”
Frances Bay as Grandma
- (Frances Bay) “It makes me hungry.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Yeah, well we won’t have to worry about eating anymore, Grandma. See, they gave me this card: free Subway for life.”
- (Frances Bay) “How’s that nice girlfriend of yours?”
- (Adam Sandler) “Oh, she got hit by a car. She’s dead.”
- (Frances Bay) “Who are you waving at, Happy?”
- (Adam Sandler) “Nobody, Grandma. Let’s go home.”
- (Frances Bay) “Happy, the gold jacket’s yours. Shooter’s gonna choke.”
Joe Flaherty as Donald
- (Joe Flaherty) “Hey Gilmore, you suck ya jackass.”
- (Adam Sandler) “Why don’t you shut the hell up.”
- (Joe Flaherty) “You’re gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you’re never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL — you jackass.”
- (Joe Flaherty) “Good shooting soldier.”
- (Joe Flaherty) “You will not make this putt — you jackass.”
Richard Kiel as Mr. Larson
- (Richard Kiel) “Hey Shooter, haven’t you forgot your nine iron.”
- (Richard Kiel) “That’s two thus far, Shooter.”
- (Christopher McDonald) “Oh, you can count. Good for you.”
- (Richard Kiel) “And you can count, on me, waiting for you in the parking lot.”
- (Richard Kiel) “I believe that’s Mr. Gilmore’s.”
- (Richard Kiel) “Trying to reach the green from here, Shooter?”
- (Christopher McDonald) “I’m afraid that’s impossible, sir.”
- (Richard Kiel) “I beg to differ. Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.”
- (Christopher McDonald) “Well, moron –“
- (Christopher McDonald) “good for Happy Gilm-OH MY GOD.”