I lie in a bathtub of cold water, still sweating and singing love songs to myself. I put the gun to my head and cock it.
I think of my Grandma and remember that old feeling of being so in love that nothing matters except seeing and being seen by her. I drop the gun to my chest. I’m so sad and I can’t really see a way out of what I’m feeling but I’m leaning on memory for help. Faster. Slower. I think I want to hurt myself more than I’m already hurting. I’m not the smartest boy in the world by a long shot, but even in my funk I know that easy remedies like eating your way out of sad, or fucking your way out of sad, or lying your way out of sad, or slanging your way out of sad, or robbing your way out of sad, or gambling your way out of sad, or shooting your way out of sad, are just slower, more acceptable ways for desperate folks, and especially paroled black boys in our country, to kill ourselves and others close to us in America. — Kiese Laymon
When I was a boy we were poor and we had to make do with what we had. So my grandma used to make us quits that we used for blankets. She couldn’t afford to go to the store and buy a blanket
so she’d take scraps of cloth and sew them together. there’d be different colors and different patterns and different types of cloth
but they all went together to make that big quilt to keep us warm. — Jesse Jackson
This was something Grandma Tilly couldn’t understand
how war promises a boy it can make a man out of him. — Richard Peck
Are you being a good boy for your mum?”
Conor’s grandma pinched Conor’s cheeks so hard he swore she was going to draw blood.
“He’s been very good, Ma,” Conor’s mother said, winking at him from behind his grandma, her favorite blue scarf tied around her head. “So there’s no need to inflict quite so much pain. — Patrick Ness
My grandma has never been impressed with the TV show [Desperate Housewives]. She was so angry because I was on television kissing a boy naked; she’s very traditional. She said: “If I ever see you kissing that boy again … “. — Eva Longoria
want you, it’s their loss,” Grandma said. “Why don’t we just wait and see what they say?” Ms. Donatello told me. “I have to go to the bathroom,” Georgia said. I didn’t want to talk anymore, so I just made like Leonardo the Silent and kept my mouth shut after that. Finally, the office door opened, and Mr. Crawley, the director of the school, came over to talk to us. I tried not to look like I wanted to disappear. Or self-destruct. Or both. “First of all, Rafe,” he said, “you should know there are three things we look for in an applicant. One of those is experience. A lot of the students at Cathedral have been studying art since before they could write.” “Sure,” I said. “I get it. No problem.” But he wasn’t done yet. “The other two things we look for are talent and persistence,” he said. “Not only is that portfolio of yours full of artistic promise, it’s also just full. When I see that, I see a boy who would probably keep drawing whether anyone was paying attention or not. — James Patterson
He tunneled into stories where weak men changed into strong half-animals or used eye beams or magic hammers to power through steel or climb up the sides of skyscrapers. He was the Hulk when angry and Spidey the rest of the time. When he felt his heart hurt he turned into something stronger than a little boy, and he grew up this way. A heart that flashed from heart to stone, heart to stone. As I watched I thought of what Grandma Lynn liked to say when Lindsey and I rolled our eyes or grimaced behind her back. Watch out what faces you make. You’ll freeze that way. — Alice Sebold
My Lovely Grandson
Your lovely smile that warms my heart
Your infectious laughter that brings me joy
I fell in love in with your charming character
Grandma’s little boy
May God protect you in every aspect of your life
May He give you wisdom in everything you do
May He bless you and keep you
All the days of your life. — Euginia Herlihy
I’m crying for the little girl whose mother divorced her father, the girl who wanted to fall in love for the first time but wasn’t ready for sex, the girl who dated a boy just because he wasn’t the first one, the girl who fell hard for the guy with the easy smile and the green eyes, the girl who needed to prove she could hook up on a class trip, the girl who rand for student council just to impress a guy, the girl who lost her best friend, the girl whose father doesn’t care anymore, the girl who doesn’t have the money for college, the girl who just wants her grandma to fix everything, the girl who doesn’t talk to anyone about anything, the girl who just can’t fall in love again – even if a sweet guy folds a thousand paper cranes. Just for her. — Sydney Salter
You know the one about the old man whose grandson is getting married? Just before the wedding, he calls the boy in for a chat. “My child,” he says, “I want you to know that all marriages go through phases. At first, you and you wife will make love all the time. But then, as the children come along, you will find that you are having sex less and less. And by the time they are grown and gone, you’ll be just like your grandmother and me. All you’ll ever have is oral sex. I just wanted you to know how things will go.” The boy looks at him, incredulous. “You and Grandma have oral sex?” “Every single night,” the old man says, “and it’s a perfectly natural thing. She goes into her bedroom and calls, ‘Fuck you!’ And I go into my bedroom and call back to her, ‘No, fuck you! — A. Manette Ansay
My grandma actually put me in girdles when I was around nine or ten because I had hips even then, and she didn’t want boys to be attracted to me. Having hips meant you were a full-grown woman, and I was too young for that. — Coco Austin
A teenage boy with a Mohawk sat across from me, sneering. I’d seen that look before. Why was it a problem to knit in public?
“My grandma knits.”
I ignored him.
“So what are you making, Grandma?” Mohawk’s voice was ugly.
I arched my eyebrow. “A cashmere cock ring. Your grandma ever knit one of those?”
The kid’s eyes grew wide, and he suddenly became very interested in a four-year-old issue of Teen Vogue. — Leslie Langtry
You have to live a little.” Grandma fitted the track bar into the cog on the track. “Go out with a bad boy. Run headfirst into a fight. Get roaring drunk. Something! — Ilona Andrews
Tim collected his gifts within the metal hoop and then pestered Santa for more, investigating pockets, sticking his hands into straw, lifting the sides of the red coat until he contacted a Smith and
Wesson revolver. The boy snatched his hand back as if it were burnt and scowled at the man in the red suit. “You’re not Santa Claus; you’re Daddy.”Charley called across the room, “He’s one of Santa’s helpers!”
Jesse sat low in the chair with his boots kicked out, drew off the soft red cap by its cotton ball, then reached out and snuggled Tim close to his chest. He said, “Let me tell you a secret, son: there’s always a mean old wolf in Grandma’s bed, and a worm inside the apple. There’s always a daddy inside the Santa suit. It’s a world of trickery. — Ron Hansen
To Grandma: Once upon a time, there was a boy who flew. — Chris Colfer
Grandma’s Boy Quotes
- Alex: Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for a while.
Dante: Whoa, I don’t know, man. I got a business to run. This is like my office as well as my home. Plus, the lion comes in a couple days.
Alex: You’re getting a lion?
Dante: To protect my shit.
Alex: Never heard of a dog?
Dante: Dude, you can get past a dog. Nobody fucks with a lion.
Alex: Yeah, that’s true.
- Dante: I’ll smoke it with ya bro, we’ll go to the loony bin together. I don’t give a fuck.
- Alex: Dude, your bed is a car…
Jeff: Yeah, but it’s a fucking sweet car.
- Grandma Lilly: [after drinking pot tea] I can hear my… hair growing. You want some soup?
- J.P.: All I’ve ever cared about was video games and they made me a millionaire. So maybe I don’t know what the Civil War was, or who invented the helicopter even though I own one, but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk. I’m thinking about getting metal legs. It’s a risky operation, but it’ll be worth it.
- Alex: Don’t judge me Monkey.
- Grace: I once gave Charlie Chaplin a handjob.
Jeff: Wow, was he silent?
Grace: Not after I got through with him.
- Alex: My grandma drank all my pot.
Jeff: That’s awesome.
Jeff: I mean, how many people can say that in a lifetime?
- J.P.: Adios, turd nuggets.
- Jeff: I can’t believe you came on my mom!
- J.P.: Are you afraid of it?
Kane: No I just don’t like techno.
J.P.: You would if you had robot ears.
- Jeff: Do you have bathrooms here, or do I have to shit in a plant?
Shiloh: BAHAHAHA! Stupid FUCKING idiot! Red-shirted ASS! You guys think you’re so fucking cool, it makes me sick! “Oh, let’s go make fun of the vegans, and their crazy lifestyle!” We’re not hurting anyone! Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick!
- Mr. Cheezle: I had a dream last night. I dreamt I was a dove flying over the sea. And then I dove into the ocean… And I swam with the dolphins. I was two animals joined as one… which meant – good things are coming. Good things.
- J.P.: [Upon leaning against a black wall in a black jacket]
J.P.: How could he see me?
- DDR Machine: [Jeff has just won a DDR Challenge] A NEW HIGH SCORE!
Jeff: [to Bobby, the defeated co-worker] What does “high score” mean? New high score, is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?
Jeff: This chick’s pussy smelled like the great depression.
- Alex: Oh, yes! Finally a roommate who goes shopping. Chicken cutlet, spaghetti with garlic bread, oh, my God, the wings to go with the breast, I don’t know what you are but I’m gonna fucking eat you too.
Alex: Of course she doesn’t have a microwave she’s fucking a hundred.
- Jeff: Yeah, my roomates were talking about getting me a CB so I could talk to other car beds.
- Jeff: Crap that’s Alex’s intercom.
[answers Alex’s intercom and impersonates him]
Receptionist: Delivery at the front desk for you, Alex.
Jeff: Cool! I hope it’s a naked dude with a boner!
- Dante: Whoa, chill bro… You know you can’t raise your voice like that when the lion’s here.
- J.P.: [Robot Voice to Alex walking away] I hate your face.
Alex: [pauses, turns around] Did you say something?
J.P.: [Hides behind coat]
Alex: You’re fuckin’ weird.
J.P.: …How did he see me?
- Dante: That is pure fucking insanity.
Alex: Yeah, I know. He got addicted to hookers.
Dante: No, I’m talking about the guy who threw your bong. You should never throw a bong, kid. Ever.
- Dante: [while stoned] Drive, monkey, drive!
- Jeff: [imitating J.P] My name is J.P. I am a robot. I have a robot vagina.
- Grandma Lilly: I hate violence, but drugs ARE bad.
- Jeff: So Barry sucked on his first boobie last night.
Barry: [Gleaming with pride] For 13 hours.
- Alex: You remember Lara?
Jeff: Yes I do, and she already has a cold sore. What a surprise.
- Dante: [Answering the phone stoned] Hello?
Jeff: Dante is Alex there?
Dante: [hands the phone to Alex] The phone’s for you. I think it’s the Devil.