Positive Quotes

Best Funny Sex Quotes

Funny Sex Quotes and Sayings

Short Funny Sex Quotes and Sayings

 

“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.” —Dorothy Parker

Funny Sex Sayings -  “My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects.” —Les Dawson

“My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects.” —Les Dawson

 

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” —Oscar Wilde

 

“Social progress can be measured by the social position of the female sex.” —Karl Marx

 

“I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you’re good with grammar, you’ll get it.” —Unknown

 

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” —Woody Allen

Funny Sayings - “Virginity is like a bubble – one prick and it’s all gone!”

“Virginity is like a bubble – one prick and it’s all gone!” —Unknown

 

“It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.” —Unknown

Funny Sex Quotes - “Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place.” —Billy Crystal

“Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place.” —Billy Crystal

 

“Women fake orgasms and men fake finances.” —Suze Orman

Funny Sex Sayings - “Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.” —Robert A. Heinlein

“Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.” —Robert A. Heinlein

 

“The best time of day for sex is anytime, because it’s sex.” —Cameron Diaz

Funny Sex Quotes - “They say try everything once, not everyone once.”

“They say try everything once, not everyone once.” —Unknown

 

“Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.” —Woody Allen

 

“Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.” —Swami X

 

“Sex is the biggest nothing of all time.” —Andy Warhol

 

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” —George Burns

 

“Sex is an emotion in motion.” —Mae West

 

“Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.” —Unknown

 

“Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.” —Unknown

 

“I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.” —Unknown

 

“My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.” —Joan Rivers

 

“A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.” —Gloria Steinem

 

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.” —Woody Allen

 

“Having sex doesn’t make you an adult. but it could make you a baby.” —Unknown

 

“Software is like sex: it’s better when it’s free.” —Linus Torvalds

 

“Men get laid, but women get screwed.” —Quentin Crisp

 

“I cant taste my lips could you do it for me.” —Unknown

 

“It’s so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” —Joan Rivers

Funny Sex Quotes and Sayings

“Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don’t multiply.” —Phil Proctor

Funny Sex Sayings - “Don’t do it behind the garden gate. Love is blind but the neighbors ain’t!”

“Don’t do it behind the garden gate. Love is blind but the neighbors ain’t!” —Unknown

 

“Sex education classes are like in-home sales parties for abortions.” —Phyllis Schlafly

 

“Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results,but that’s not why we do it.” —Richard Feynman

 

“It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.” —Jarod Kintz

 

“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” —Chelsea Handler

 

“Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” —Arthur C. Clarke

 

“Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don’t believe the kids should be given homework.” —Bill Cosby

Funny Sex Quotes -  “Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” —Kevin Costner

“Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” —Kevin Costner

 

“If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.” —Frank Zappa

 

“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful…Hate me because your boyfriend thinks I am.” —Unknown

 

“Older women are best because they always think they may be doing it for the last time.” —Ian Fleming

 

“Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got.” —Sophia Loren

 

“Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You’re only interested in one thing,” and you can’t remember what it is.” —Milton Berle

 

“When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.” —Unknown

 

“Don’t bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.” —Fran Liebowitz

 

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.” —Woody Allen

 

“Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.” —John Barrymore

 

“If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?” —Bette Midler

 

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” —Joan Rivers

 

“I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.” —Phyllis Diller

Funny Sex Quotes and Sayings

 

Here you will find top ten Funny Sex Quotes and Sayings selected by our team.

  1. “I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you’re good with grammar, you’ll get it.” —Unknown
  2. “My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects.” —Les Dawson
  3. “Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.” —Robert A. Heinlein
  4. “Virginity is like a bubble – one prick and it’s all gone!” —Unknown
  5. “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” —Chelsea Handler
  6. “Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.” —Arthur C. Clarke
  7. “Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” —Kevin Costner
  8. “They say try everything once, not everyone once.” —Unknown
  9. “Don’t do it behind the garden gate. Love is blind but the neighbors ain’t!” —Unknown
  10. “Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place.” —Billy Crystal

Funny Sex Quotes

Funny Sex Quotes, Group 1

Funny sex quotes: photo of two people in bed looking at camera, with sheet covering half their faces. Caption:

 

You know that look women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
– Steve Martin

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’
– Woody Allen

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.
– Joan Rivers

My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects.
– Les Dawson

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
– Robin Williams

Funny Sex Quotes, Group 2

Studies show that about half of Americans have sex at work. Coincidentally, that’s the same half that say they are happy with their jobs.
– Melanie White

Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don’t multiply.
– Phil Proctor

Erotica is using a feather; pornography is using the whole chicken.
– Isabel Allende

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
– George Burns

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
– Woody Allen


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Funny Sex Quotes, Group 3

My wife likes to talk to me during sex. In fact, the other day she called
me from a motel.
– Scotty Record

If God’s got anything better than sex to offer, he’s certainly keeping it to himself.
– Sting

Don’t bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
– Fran Liebowitz

My sex life is very bad. If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.
– Henny Youngman

Men like women with a past because they hope history will repeat itself.
– Mae West

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