“If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation.”

“I’m basically your stuffy, buttoned down sort of guy, you’re a free-spirited, adventurous mouse-painting, moon-howling sort of girl!”

“Well, no wonder you’re heartbroken; you’ve just lost the only woman you could even possibly sometime down the line perhaps fall in love with. I’m surprised the country music people haven’t jumped all over this one!”

“I’ve been down this road so many times I call it ‘The Roz Expressway.’”

“Martin: Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some ‘foundation garments.’

Frasier: I think they call them ‘bras’ now.

Martin: Not these, you don’t. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.”

“Roz: Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.

Frasier: Well, in that case you should outlive Styrofoam!”

“My God, I’ve never had a night like this in my entire life! I’m a babe magnet, I’m catnip!”

“Not one more deceitful word… your tongue could open a wine bottle!”

“Sherry: Oh, I love making people laugh. To me, humor is like medicine!

Niles: I guess we’re in the placebo group.”

“ I’ve always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think: what if it’s like high school and all the really cool dead people don’t want to hang out with me? Mozart’ll tell me he’s busy but then later I’ll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln!”

“Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?”

“Frasier: Well, do you want me to answer as a friend, or a therapist?

Roz: As a friend.

Frasier: See a therapist.”

“It may be an unwise man who doesn’t learn from his own mistakes, but it’s an absolute idiot that doesn’t learn from other people’s.”

“Niles: You don’t realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I’ve been paying women to touch me.

Frasier: Oh, Niles.

Niles: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who’s well-groomed, you can bet he’s not gettin’ any.”

“Frasier: I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.

Roz: Well, I believe in the strangeness of strangers.”

“I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry: if I’m late, he can just talk amongst himself.”

“Martin: She just sat around whining all the time about how she’d like to be in a warmer climate.

Frasier: My guess is she finally made it!”

“Daphne: It’s not like men have never used sex to get what they want.

Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!”

“Oh, for God’s sake! I am trying to get some sleep. I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone!”

“Niles: Well, as some illustrious person once said, ‘Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity.’

Frasier: You just made that up, didn’t you?

Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.”

“You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud!”

“It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.”

“Frasier: So you’re suggesting that I go along and pretend I’m enjoying myself in something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all just to hear the words ‘I love you?’

Daphne: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.”

“ It’s been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.”

“Sam: She’s a terrific person. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s horny. I mean, she’s just the kinda chick you wanna stick up on a pedestal.

Frasier: You know, Sam, it’s always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.”

“Martin: When your mother got mad at me, I’d just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.

Niles: I can’t do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae; she’d snap like a twig.”

“Life is a banquet!”

“I’m a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.”

“Niles, will you please stop giggling? It’s very distracting.”

“If you ask me, it’s divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone’s never been married, it might just mean they’re a careful shopper, whereas your divorce will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.”

“There’s nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn’t be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.”

“You’re not a child any more. Now come with me: I’m taking you to the bathroom!”

“My God, woman, I’d drive a stake through your heart but I don’t think anything could kill you!”

“It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn’t really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person?”

“Niles: Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn’t intelligent life on other planets?

Frasier: At the moment, I’m not sure there’s intelligent life in this kitchen.”

“Hey, I’m with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. ‘I want a magazine!’ ‘I want a kidney!’”

“Martin: One minute it’s just a blob in some lady’s stomach, the next minute it’s a person. Blob… Person.

Frasier: The miracle of birth, summed up in one poetic phrase.”

“You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he’s wrong?”

“Frasier: I asked Dad to get me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? ‘What’s the magic word?’

Niles: You’re kidding.

Frasier: He didn’t think it was very amusing when I said, ‘Rest home!’”

“What we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes, and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.”

“Frasier, you’re my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.”

“ I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.”

“My God, it’s a recipe for disaster! You’ve got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting ‘Heathcliff!’ across the moors!”

“I really must go. I’m hosting a seminar on multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.”

“The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person’s back, not in front of them; I didn’t realize you were unclear on this concept!”

“My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be 93.”

“Frasier: I just don’t think it’s very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.

Martin: He cut you off!

Frasier: That doesn’t matter. You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says: ‘If you’re close enough to read this, I’ll kill you!’”

“Frasier: Oh my God! This is unbelievable! A man has quit his job because of a rumor that you spread!

Roz: Me? The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person’s back, not in front of them; I didn’t realize you were unclear on this concept!”

“You see, I was clinging to a life that wasn’t working, and I knew I had to do something, anything.”

“Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.

Niles: Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.”

“Frasier: The other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall.

Niles: That is alarming.

Frasier: Well, I turned her down.

Niles: No, no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?”

“I really must run. I’m due at my sexual addiction group, and I don’t like to leave them alone for too long.”

“Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is a private thing. And I still think that’s a pretty healthy way of looking at it. Sex is something between you and the person you’re doing it to!”

“Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I’m 41. That’s hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like 50, 55.

Dr. Niles Crane: Only if you live to be 110.”