Positive Quotes

Best Dark Humor Quotes

Dark Humor Quotes

A good sense of humor is SO important. How else are we supposed to deal with life’s unexpected curveballs? For me, dark humor quotes and funny pics always hit the mark.

No matter the cards I’ve been dealt, browsing through Tumblr for funny memes, sarcastic quotes, and most importantly, dark humor quotes can make me LOL like nothing else.

If you’re anything like me, you’re going to love this article. Humor has always been my saving grace, and after having gone through some dark stuff, I’ve decided to put a smile on as many faces as I can.

Below, I’ve prepared for you some of the best funny quotes and witty sayings that’ll brighten the darkest of moods.

I love making people laugh, especially about things that are supposed to be ‘off-limits.’

These sassy dark humor quotes reflect the best and worst our society has to offer. Without holding anything back, here are some naughty quotes guaranteed to make you spit your drink out.

Funny Dark Humor Quotes

woman laughing outside

Ready for some intoxicatingly funny dark humor quotes? No matter how frustrated with your life you are, these will make you forget all about it for a brief second.

1. “Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.”―Robert Bloch

2. “Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose.―Durzo Blint”―Brent Weeks

3. “The rest of us can find happiness in misery.”―Fall Out Boy

4. “It doesn’t matter what other people think when you’re right ―John Cleaver”―Dan Wells

5. “When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper, so it doesn’t ruin your whole day.”―Jay Wickre

6. “We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”—W. H. Auden

7. “There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.”—Vladimir Nabokov

8. “Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”—Jerry Seinfeld

9. “I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.”—Rose Kennedy

10. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”―George Burns

woman in brown jacket holding shoe lace outdoor

11. “‘I try to keep in mind,’ I recite dryly as I run the front sight of my pistol over his face, ‘that my life is only as significant as I am to the lives of others.’ He’s sobbing and won’t look up from the floor, so I lean close to his ear and ask softly, ‘Would you say that I’m significant to your life?’”―Dennis Sharpe

12. “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”—Will Rogers

13. “The general plot of life is sometimes shaped by the different ways genuine intelligence combines with equally genuine ignorance.”―Lucy Grealy

14. “I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said I gotta use that one.”—Paul Simon

15. “Prejudice is a great time-saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.”—E. B. White

16. “When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.”—Saul Bellow

17. “One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.”—Franklin P. Jones

18. “I realized that success in most things depends on finding people stupid enough to volunteer to try doing them but smart enough to have a chance of succeeding.”―Jack Campbell

19. “I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.”—Bob Hope

20. “What, after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean.”—Christopher Fry

happy woman looking up while standing near yellow wall

21. “Why take hours to drown when you can do it in a minute? Death can be kind if you allow him to be – sometimes.”―M. R. C. Kasasian

22. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”―Steve Martin

23. “I have a knack for finding humor in all sorts of things, no matter how grim. My sense of humor is wry and a bit on the warped side. (Well, more than a bit, depending on whom you ask.)”―Gerri R. Gray

24. “He’d interpreted my move as rudeness, but I thought it would’ve been much ruder to stab him.”―Kayla Krantz

25. “My only choice was between the disastrous and the unpalatable. A very German choice.”―Philip Kerr

26. “The need for clean clothing outlived disasters. The end of the world could come, but that would only mean more bloodstains to wash.”―Brandon Sanderson

27.

“Life doesn’t end, you just run out of road.”―Stewart Stafford

28. “‘I found her. There was blood everywhere. I slipped and fell in it.’’ ‘That’s awful,’ Ling said when she found her voice again. ‘It was awful. I loved those pants.’”―Libba Bray

29. “I read a report that said 88% of adults trust their doctors – well, 100% of dead people don’t!”―Stewart Stafford

30. “After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say ‘I want to see the manager.’”―William S. Burroughs

31. “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, s*x, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.”―Johnny Carson

32. “Arts degrees are awesome. And they help you find meaning where there is none. And let me assure you, there is none. Don’t go looking for it. Searching for meaning is like searching for a rhyme scheme in a cookbook: you won’t find it, and you’ll bugger up your soufflé.”―Tim Minchin

33. “I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.”―Mel Brooks

34. “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”―Anton Chekhov

See also: 114 Inspiring Growth Mindset Quotes That Will TRANSFORM Your Life

Witty Dark Sense Of Humor Quotes

happy woman in denim shirt leaning on table

There’s nothing wrong with having a dark sense of humor. Quite the contrary! It’s one of the most badass ways to get up and kick life’s ass.

1. “What’s the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?”―Jess C. Scott

2. “I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to a sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.”―Alan Bradley

3. “The dumber people think you are, the most surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.”―William Clayton

4. “For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.” ―Frankie Boyle (on Margaret Thatcher)

5. “Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes.”―Ankita Singhal

6. “Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while, then a layer of scum floats to the top.”—Edward Abbey

7. “It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.”—Robert Frost

8. “I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”—Ron White

9. “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”—Phyllis Diller

10. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”—Katharine Hepburn

woman in gray sweater sitting on beach

11. “In 5-billion years, the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.”―Neil Degrasse Tyson

12. “Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”—George Bernard Shaw

13. “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”―Andrew Lawrence

14. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”—Mark Twain

15. “If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end… The person will die.”―Neil deGrasse Tyson

16. “What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer? The serial killer might listen if you plead with them.”―Unknown

17. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”—Don Marquis

18. “If at first, you don’t succeed, blame your parents.”—Marcelene Cox

19. “When God created fools, he put the biggest of them into uniform and gave them helmets to prevent any thoughts entering their heads.”―M. R. C. Kasasian

20. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”—Abraham Lincoln

woman smiling while standing outdoor

21. “Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.”—H. L. Mencken

22. “Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950s. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead.”―Chuck Palahniuk

23. “Jazz hadn’t given her many details of exactly what life in the Dent house had been like, but he’d told her enough that she knew it wasn’t hearts and flowers. Well, except for the occasional heart cut from a chest. And the kind of flowers you send to funerals.”―Barry Lyga

24. “You see, insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”―Joseph Kesselring

25. “Once upon a time, before pizzerias or Taco Bells, there was a troll named Rumpelstiltskin who began to wonder what a human baby would taste like.”―Vivian Vande Velde

26. “SPOILER ALERT: We all die in the end.”―Stewart Stafford

27. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said, ‘okay, you’re ugly too.’”―Rodney Dangerfield

28. “You have to accept the fact that sometimes you are the pigeon, and sometimes you are the statue.”―Claude Chabrol

29. “In a multiverse wherein every choice you have to make, a new universe spawns for every choice you make. I certainly live in the one where I made a chain of every wrong choice possible”―Mantzaridis Panagiotis

30. “I did not need an unstable relationship to teach me about the evils of broken promises. I had parents for that.”―Michelle Franklin

31. “Without a sense of humor, one’s wisdom is but a rumor.”―Fakeer Ishavardas

32. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”―Al McGuire

33. “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.”―Hunter S. Thompson

34. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”―Bill Watterson

35. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”―Abraham Lincoln

See also: 70+ Cheesy Love Quotes That Will Never Go Out Of Style

Dark And Funny Quotes About Life

woman with red lipstick laughing while sitting on chair outdoor

Here are some truly funny quotes about everything life has to offer. The good, the bad, and the ugly. When life gives you lemons, share these on social media, and just laugh.

1. “People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.”―Jess C. Scott

2. “Man makes plans… And God laughs.”―Michael Chabon

3. “If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged”―Terry Pratchett

4. “A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.”―Brian P. Cleary

5. “‘I wonder if I could eat a child if I had the chance.’ ‘I doubt if I could cook one,’ said Constance.”―Shirley Jackson

6. “A difference in self-loathing? Please. The only difference between a gun and a rope is the time it takes to tie the knot.”―Justine Larbalestier

7. “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”—Will Rogers

8. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”—Terry Pratchett

9. “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.”—Zsa Zsa Gabor

10. “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”—W. C. Fields

woman in green sweater drinking wine

11. “I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth

12. “It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games you can’t see anymore.”―James Hetfield

13. “Most people don’t understand what humor is. They think it’s something lighthearted and cheerful. Like ‘good humor.’ But it isn’t. It’s looking into the darkness and spitting at it with a joke. Humor is dark. Humor is that we’re all going to die.”―B. G. Harlen

14. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”—Elbert Hubbard

15. “I persuaded him to throw the dirk away, and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright, fresh new way of killing itself.”―Mark Twain

16. “Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought… Once you’ve hired the car…”―Tim Key

17. “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”—Don Marquis

18. “Luxury is the ease of a t-shirt in a very expensive dress.”―Karl Lagerfeld

19. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”—Theodore Roosevelt

20. “I was walking down Fifth Avenue today, and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”—Emo Philips

happy woman in gray coat standing on pedestrian lane

21. “‘You see?’ said Laurent. ‘He has forgiven me for the small matter of the whip. I have forgiven him for the small matter of killing my brother. All hail the alliance.’”―C. S. Pacat

22. “Whenever I read the term ‘belief system,’ somewhere between my eyes and my brain, it becomes ‘coping mechanism.’”―Stewart Stafford

23. “Life’s so much simpler when you’re dead!”―Stewart Stafford

24. “Dark humor and sarcasm always seem to find their way into my writing, which isn’t surprising, given that I live and breathe dark humor, and sarcasm is one of the languages in which I’m fluent.”―Gerri R. Gray

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