Best Cynical Valentines Day Quotes

“If you love them in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love them at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.”

“I was married by a judge. I should’ve asked for a jury.”

“You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps.”

“As a man in a relationship, you have two choices: You can be right, or you can be happy.”

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

“Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.”

“You are never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.”

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”

“If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?”

“Love is being stupid together.”

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”

“Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.”

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”

“Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”

“Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”

“Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.”

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”

“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.”

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”

“So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.”

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

“In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.”

“Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.”

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”

“Love is blind—marriage is the eye-opener.”

“That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.”

“It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life…you can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, holding claws.”

“Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?”

“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.”

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

“If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji—no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”

“True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.”

“My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”

“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.”

“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.”

“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.”

“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.”

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”

“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.”

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.”

“Love is sharing your popcorn.”

“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!”

“I find you…annoying.”

“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.”