Best Cynical Valentines Day Quotes

Cynical Valentines Day Quotes

We love love, but we also recognize that all of the Valentine’s Day fanfare can get to be a bit much. For some true romantics, all of the photos of roses and chocolates on their feed with the perfect Valentine’s Day captions are swoon-worthy. For you, head straight to our gallery of Valentine’s Day quotes. Or maybe you’re fresh off a breakup and need to wallow in your feelings for a little while, and you would rather focus on sad love quotes or broken heart quotes.

But when you’ve gotten through those, it’s time to look to the future. We’ve found the cure to a broken heart: laughter, in the form of the best funny love quotes. Perhaps your relationship status is happily single, or you’re in a committed relationship but still here for the laughs. Or maybe you’re the snarky kind of person who can’t help but roll your eyes every time the Valentine’s Day jewelry store commercials come on. Well, guess what? You’re in luck. It’s okay to laugh at love—because sometimes, as these quotes prove, love is just plain funny. (Check out our Valentine’s Day puns and cute love quotes too!)

1Miles Davis
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“If you love them in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love them at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.”

2Groucho Marx
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“I was married by a judge. I should’ve asked for a jury.”

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3Roseanne Barr
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“You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps.”

4Ralphie May
funny love quote ralphie may

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“As a man in a relationship, you have two choices: You can be right, or you can be happy.”

5Chris Rock
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“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

6Socrates
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“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

7Jimmy Fallon
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“Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.”

8Mike Primavera
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“You are never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.”

9Henny Youngman
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“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”

10Lily Tomlin
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“If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?”

11Paul Valery
funny love quotes Paul Valery

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“Love is being stupid together.”

12Richard Jeni
funny love quotes Richard Jeni

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“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”

13Lynda Barry
funny love quotes Lynda Barry

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“Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.”

14Lemony Snicket
funny love quotes Lemony Snicket

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“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”

15Joan Crawford
funny love quotes Joan Crawford

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“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”

16Jules Renard
funny love quotes Jules Renard

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“Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”

17Ambrose Bierce
funny love quotes Ambrose Bierce

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“Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”

18Mae West
funny love quotes Mae West

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“Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.”

19Jean Illsley Clarke
funny love quotes Jean Illsley Clarke

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“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”

20Bob Hope
funny love quotes Bob Hope

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“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.”

21Garry Shandling
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“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”

22King Jaffe Joffer, ‘Coming to America’
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“So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.”

23Rita Rudner
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“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

24Charles Schulz
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“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

25Vivian Ward, ‘Pretty Woman’
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“In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.”

26Helen Fielding, ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’
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“Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.”

27Agatha Christie
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“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”

28Pauline Thomason
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“Love is blind—marriage is the eye-opener.”

29Jim Baker, ‘Sixteen Candles’
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“That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.”

30Phoebe Buffay, ‘Friends’
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“It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life…you can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, holding claws.”

31Jack Handey
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“Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?”

32Will Ferrell
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“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”

33Michael Scott, ‘The Office’
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“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

34Dax Shepard
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“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.”

35Jane Austen, ‘Pride and Prejudice’
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“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

36Chelsea Peretti
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“If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji—no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”

37Mindy Kaling
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“True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.”

38Rodney Dangerfield
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“My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”

39Dwight Schrute, ‘The Office’
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“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.”

40Jerry Seinfeld
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“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.”

41Dolly Parton
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“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.”

42Lucille Ball
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“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.”

43Tim Allen
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“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”

44Elizabeth Taylor
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“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.”

45Phyllis Diller
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“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

46Cher
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“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.”

47Charles Schulz
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“Love is sharing your popcorn.”

48Jenny Han, ‘To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before’
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“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!”

49George Wade, ‘Two Weeks Notice’
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“I find you…annoying.”

50Amy Santiago, ‘Brooklyn Nine-Nine’
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“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.”

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