1. “Deny your emotions and act like you have answers.”
2. “There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you like 17 right off the top of my head.”
3. “Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.”
4. “Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.”
5. “Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.”
6. “I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with ’em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don’t even notice that you’re filling up their heads with your theories.”
7. “I am so pro-swine flu it’s ridiculous.”
8. “Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!”
9. “To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I’m just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.”
10. “I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.”
11. “Let’s go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.”
12. “Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?”
13. “I’ve never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It’s always the little things that do me in.”
14. “You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober.”
15. “Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.”
16. “A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they’re really small.”
17. “My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.”
18. “I’m not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.”
19. “There’s no “brothers” when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don’t care about each other. He’s not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio – I don’t know that guy.”
20. “I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it’s that same fear.”
21. “I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don’t know where it’s going.”
22. “I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today…”
23. “You know, it wasn’t even that I’m a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I’d be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.”
24. “Patrice O’Neal is the best comic I ever saw.”
25. “Podcasting is great. Total freedom.”
26. “What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?”
27. “I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.”
28. “Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.”
29. “I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?”
30. “I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.”
31. “I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?”
32. “Once you do a joke and it works it’s only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.”
33. “Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.”
34. “The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.”
35. “If I can sell out clubs and theaters and play dirtbags in movies, and get blown up in a car or get the crap beat out of me in a movie, that’s good for me; I’m good.”
36. “My parents have a ridiculous work ethic; my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who’s logged more hours than that guy.”
37. “Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it’s a fun place to live.”
38. “Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?”
39. “I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I’d like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don’t have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I’m shooting for the middle.”
40. “The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I’m in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can’t seem to come up with anything new that’s funny. That’s a tough place to be as a comedian.”
41. “I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you’ve gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman’s motherly instincts.”
42. “If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.”
43. “When I watch ‘Breaking Bad,’ my stomach is in knots.”
44. “There is a very difficult period in a comedian’s career – it’s that window of time where you’re good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.”
45. “Business runs hot and cold so the more you’re in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.”
46. “I’m always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn’t get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and would want to kill myself. I just want to go in there and talk about what’s bugging me.”
47. “Working on the Dave Chappelle show was amazing.”
48. “Being a stand-up comic, this isn’t a stepping-stone for me; it’s what I do, and this is what I’m always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.”
49. “I’m trying to get away from trashing women, to be honest. I think I’ve done enough of that in my career.”
50. “I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.”
101. “Carnegie Hall is as good as they say it is. It’s not like Stonehenge which looks great in books but then you go there and it’s a pile of rocks next to a highway. There’s actually a highway right next to it, but you don’t see that in pictures.”
102. “Acting in a sitcom or a comedy movie is like a comedy routine with the setups.”
103. “I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you’re better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.”
104. “People make a big deal about podcasts but it’s basically an online radio show with the sound effects and sidekicks, but because you can curse it’s more like satellite radio. Most of the podcasters were morning guys who were fired when Clear Channel decimated the radio landscape.”
105. “I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don’t like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it’s good.”
