“If people I don’t even know look at me and want to fuck me, it means I really have a shot at being a model.”

“I don’t think that there’s anything worse than being ordinary.”

“Mr. Smiley’s Counter Girl: Whoa! You are so busted.

Carolyn Burnham: You know, this really doesn’t concern you.

Lester Burnham: Well, actually, Janine is Senior Drive-thru Manager so you are on her turf.”

“Look at me, jerking off in the shower….This will be the high point of my day; it’s all downhill from here.”

“In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times.”

“Ricky Fitts: It’s like God’s looking right at you, just for a second, and if you’re careful… you can look right back.

Jane Burnham: And what do you see?

Ricky Fitts: Beauty.”

“Angela Hayes: Yeah? Well, at least I’m not ugly!

Ricky Fitts: Yes, you are. And you’re boring, and you’re totally ordinary, and you know it.”

“Brad Dupree: Got a minute?

Lester Burnham: [Phony, overly polite voice] For you, Brad, I’ve got five!”

“Lester Burnham: How’s Jane?

Angela Hayes: What do you mean?

Lester Burnham: I mean, how’s her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I’d really like to know, and she’d die before she’d ever tell me about it.

Angela Hayes: She’s… she’s really happy. She thinks she’s in love.

Lester Burnham: Good for her.

Angela Hayes: How are you?

Lester Burnham: God, it’s been a long time since anybody asked me that… I’m great.

Angela Hayes: I’ve gotta go to the bathroom.

Lester Burnham: I’m great.”

“It’s a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.”

“Carolyn Burnham: What are you doing?

Lester Burnham: Nothing.

Carolyn Burnham: You were masturbating!

Lester Burnham: I was not.

Carolyn Burnham: Yes you were!

Lester Burnham: Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That’s right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying ‘hi’ to my monster!”

“Carolyn Burnham: Uh, whose car is that out front?

Lester Burnham: Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I’ve always wanted and now I have it. I rule!”

“Catering Boss: I’m not paying you to do… whatever it is you’re doing out here.

Ricky Fitts: Fine. So don’t pay me.

Catering Boss: Excuse me?

Ricky Fitts: I quit. So you don’t have to pay me. Now leave me alone.

Catering Boss: …asshole.

Lester Burnham: [stunned] I think you just became my personal hero!”

“My name is Lester Burnham. This is my neighborhood; this is my street; this is my life. I am 42 years old; in less than a year I will be dead. Of course I don’t know that yet, and in a way, I am dead already.”

“It was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing and there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. Right? And this bag was just dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. That’s the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember… I need to remember… Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.”

“Remember those posters that said, ‘Today is the first day of the rest of your life’? Well, that’s true of every day but one—the day you die.”

“[Lester has just caught Caroline cheating with the Real Estate King]
Carolyn Burnham: Uh, Buddy, this is my…

Lester Burnham: Her husband. We’ve met before, but something tells me you’re going to remember me this time.”

“[at the dinner table]
Carolyn Burnham: Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don’t you tell our daughter about it, honey?

Lester Burnham: Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.

Carolyn Burnham: Your father seems to think this kind of behavior is something to be proud of.

Lester Burnham: And your mother seems to prefer that I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.

Carolyn Burnham: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.

Lester Burnham: Lose it? I didn’t lose it. It’s not like, ‘Whoops! Where’d my job go?’ I QUIT. Someone pass the asparagus, please.”

“Colonel Frank Fitts: Where did you get that?

Ricky Fitts: From my job.

Colonel Frank Fitts: Don’t lie to me. Now, I saw you with him.

Ricky Fitts: You were watching me?

Colonel Frank Fitts: What did he make you do?

Ricky Fitts: Oh, Dad, you don’t really think that me and Mr. Burnham were…

Colonel Frank Fitts: Don’t you laugh at me. Now, I will not sit back and watch my only son become a cock-sucker!

Ricky Fitts: Jesus, what is it with you?

Colonel Frank Fitts: I swear to God, I will throw you out of the house and never look at you again!

Ricky Fitts: You mean that?

Colonel Frank Fitts: You’re damn straight I do. I’d rather you were dead than be a fuckin’ faggot.

Ricky Fitts: You’re right. I suck dick for money.

Colonel Frank Fitts: Boy, don’t start.

Ricky Fitts: Two thousand dollars—I’m that good.

Colonel Frank Fitts: Get out!

Ricky Fitts: And you should see me fuck. I’m the best piece of ass in three States.

Colonel Frank Fitts: Get out. I don’t ever want to see you again!

Ricky Fitts: What a sad old man you are.”

“I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time… For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars… And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined our street… Or my grandmother’s hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper… And the first time I saw my cousin Tony’s brand new Firebird… And Janie… And Janie… And… Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.”